life is a journey... walk with me for a while

I have my independence... now...

2012-01-24T13:10:00.002Z

I had a meeting this morning with my fantastic line manager. We are always so productive in our meetings but its not without personality or the highs and lows of emotion (mostly mine i'll admit). We have a fine balance and i look forward to our weekly catch ups.

This week we had a longer catch up than normal, mostly as there were a few extra things to be done. Not always bad as we did get to a cafe today for my diet coke top up.

One topic of conversation was the expression from some parents within the church i work for of how their teen wasn't happy on a Sunday morning, in fact getting them to church was a task of difficulty.

It is hard as a youth worker not to take it personally, or at least its hard for me until I have actually made myself look at the facts and stare at the whys of the situation that i realise its (hopefully) unlikely to be a personal dislike. It is a relational role, this are personal!

But in the cold hard light of reality, reflection and good conversation things are clearer.

I know that church is an institution that has created many battles issues and pain both on a national scale and also right in the hearts of individuals. But i still believe its the future. This doesn't make things any easier as a 12 year old growing up within a culture that seems to have no place for faith, community or the awareness of others. (yes i AM making sweeping statements that need to be tidied up and explained but thats not for now and i mean no harm to anyone in or out of the Christian faith)

I am a massive fan of understanding the development of the person from childhood to teenage to adulthood. Nothing is more exciting for a parent of a baby to watch it take their first steps or talk clearly. For me its the same with teenagers.

The honour of watching them grow into independence, to develop their own world understanding and start to see (and question) who they are and define the 'me' rather than the family identity they have had (and will have to a lesser degree).

But how hard is that when you still have your parents telling you you must attend a group that at this moment in time you just don't like or agree with.

I believe church is an important and valued part of life- a place to explore meaning, to understand the world around us and to seek love in the purest form.

But as a teenager you want to start making claims for independence. You want to be able to choose what you engage with. And i complete agree with this. Its hard for parents, the role you had for the last 11/12 years is now changing and id guess most aren't ready for that. (Can you ever be prepared to allow the person you have cared for, loved and kepis safe wander a little further away than you are used to?!)

The drive then for a parent to share their faith, want their child to grow into a balanced adult and desire for the best of is a powerful one. One that then clashes with the teenage drive for being, thinking and choosing to do things differently- in essence rebel.

What i have been reflecting on is even if a youth person wants to know more of the Christian faith, wants to continue to seek to know more of church community they fact their parents 'make' them go is likely to be a negative.

I haven't a clue how you change this- in fact i don't think you can or even should. We all remember those moments when we felt we were, for the first time, ourselves and not just a child anymore... it normally came with a plea of rebellious.

I guess my role then is to listen. To offer the opportunity to say what is wrong, why their parents are wrong and explore what we can do even if they don't want to be somewhere.

After all, isn't the best party the one you didn't want to go to but end up having a fantastic and unexpected time and staying to the end?

Time to get back to planning...

x

I'm not going to promise but...

2012-01-23T12:51:00.000Z

The face of someone who thinks she wants to return

I am back! Again...

Part of my new(ish) job is to help in a songwriting group. I admit this isn't my core skills or even remotely at my finger tips but it's fun and an honour to be a part of it all the same.

Last week we had the challenge of starting new songs. We've been working on covers for a while now.

I dawned on me I haven't a clue how I would start writing a song, so we explored this together. The youth are amazing and honest with what they thing. I tried to inspire with a mind map, no clue it it helped, we'll see with that one.

But it got me pondering about my blogging. The only words based creative outlet I have or at least did have. I haven't really blogged for well over a year... but I realised as we were looking at the different possible topics of inspiration for song writing how I wanted to join in. Not necessaryly songs, but to write a reaction to 'something'

So, I am back again but I'm not going to make promises I'll be blogging daily, weekly or even monthly. But I'm going to give it a go, come back to this form of engagement and see how far I get!

life is a journey, walk with me for a while!

x

Why i should check my twitter feed more...

2011-08-23T09:36:00.003+01:00

Well my whole life has changed... from Town to City, from Business to Calm and from suitcases to a flat...

I have been massively blessed in all i have experienced in the last 3 months...

However my social networking has slid into the sidelines... oh no! (please note my sarcasm!)

But I haven't been as regular reader of my Twitter feed as i used to be... apart from missing the news of celebrity deaths i also missed a great opportunity to get creative.

an old friend @noahsapprentice has been asking for images for a #gb11 (Greenbelt 2011) and #iMass on the theme for the weekend 'dreams of home'...

Sadly I've missed this request until now and today is the last day in buildings before i get down to the site to set up and as steward there...

So here is my small effort with this picture...

Your help please...

2011-05-14T18:30:00.000+01:00

ok... this is the current plan of action...

start to move out of my home at the start of June... not a bad plan, but thee are a few hitches. I don't have a home to move into rather just bunking down with friends who have spare beds. I also need to keep working... life continues

so... with stress levels reaching melting point with far too much on my plate I look to my social networking skills to see what you can suggest I need to remember not to put into storage.

clearly I need clothes... but it's the silly things like work stuff and everyday use that you take for granted I want to avoid missing...

so... comment, tweet, text, emaill and message your suggestions please!

look forward to hearing what you can come up with!

thank you

x

I need to be honest...

2011-05-12T00:48:00.000+01:00

This past week I feel like my heart has been broken over and over...

Over bad news in letters
Over empty emails
Over text
Over silence

What grieves me the most is that all these 'heart breaking' things are all within my own world... not anyone else's.

How I have grown to feel after a series of knock backs and rejects in this last week has created a self-centred person. I dislike who it's creates in me.

I simply write this it find accountability to myself in a public declaration.

I'm hurt, alone, and frustrated.

I don't know if I have the answers, but I trust they will be given to me when I need them

x

Totally struggling to know what to say...

2011-05-03T21:56:00.000+01:00

But I know I need to do something productive...
But this productive streak is simply avoidance. It requires me to be patient, it needs me to wait and it drives me to want to be a little crazy...

What I find hardest is not really sharing what is happening. I have nothing to hide, but what is going on right is part of my private life.

And so my ramble starts to take shape...

I'm starting to look for a new job... This by itself is a little scary, but I'm not worried about that... But it has highlighted something about what I want to address as I leave one chapter of my life and start another.

The difference between my personal and private life...

As a single woman with very little family work takes over... I hope this is a normal thing, but even more so when your job is your calling. But this comes at a cost, my status as a single woman with very little family does not change.

And so while I have a pretty much blank sheet for my new start... I do want to find a between balance... I want to say 'I want a life'. But that makes it sound like I don't like what I have now... I do, I'm thankful for all I do, have experienced and learnt.

But how do I DO that?!

If I am called to serve somewhere then the balance of my personal and professional life be dictated by that calling... And there is my answer... If I am CALLED then the balance will be there, this is were faith comes in... And the stakes raise in the worry factor, which becomes a silly cycle of frustration, control, recognition and obedience.

So... My journey continues and I pray my faith grows along with it.

And I hit enter on a blog entry that has provided with a distractions from something little bit more removed from what I have rambled on about for a few moments...

x

Something to chew over...

2011-04-27T18:41:00.001+01:00

it's interesting... there has been some concern over something that seems to affirm my faith.
Derren Brown's miracles for sale was on the tv a few evenings ago... in summary he highlighted the damaging, controlling and fraudulent actions of people who say they can heal in the name of God.

There are two things that seem to be
going on...

How Derren went about proving the fraud

and

The fact that these actions of fraud could have created an avenue for people to have a faith in God... of course when you invest in something that then is revealed as a fake then it's
only logical the faith could be destroyed.

From my point of view all the TV program showed me was that when God heals, performs miracles, it's Him. Not the hype, not a person shouting, waving their hands or doing anything else. It's God.

I have been in healing services and heard from street teams healing on the go and I can honestly say hand of heart and faith rooted deep that these are NOT part of the same wave of fraud and manipulation that has been happening over the sea in America.

I need to declare that I believe I have been healed. It was from this experience that I can honestly say, know and understand from both side of the believe and unbelievingly side of the fence.

I admit, before last summer I have heard of healings but had a level of scepticism.
My witness of healing services are nothing like the ones we saw on TV with Derren. The impact upon simply asking God to come and not demand is one of grace and amazement. Witnessing the call of recognising a healing is no person in the room but God is an honour. But biggest of all, feeling the difference of God's power on me physically without the hype... the shouting, demands and trickery of mind suggestion.

These all lead me to see that the Derren show calls us into action and recognition that we are not God, but we are his people...

There is a call to see that to follow God is not a place of self worship, praise or gain.

There is a call to see that our place is to simply come and trust in our loving God.

There is a call to see that anyone who is abusing God's name, taking advantage of the sick and creating opportunities for selfish gain and take a stand, to put right the injustice... TO TURN OVER THE TABLES OF THE MONEY CHANGERS IN THE TEMPLE.

Derren's TV show has shown one modern day abuse of Gods temple... and now we should help others to see it's a humans fault and not God's.

Once again God can heal and man can destroy...

x

listening to: Joubert Singers- stand on the word.

Honestly…

2011-04-06T00:08:00.000+01:00

I’ve been quiet on here because there are many things happening I can’t quite make public, some have been great and exciting while others not so great and just plain difficult…

And while i am still unable to share the many things happening with the world wide web i can give you my reflections i have had as a consequence.

What i am thinking more and more on is honesty.

A principle i hold so close to my heart. Ironically i can not be honest on here as there are elements in my life that needs to remain quiet for now! But I plague myself quite a lot if i feel i haven't been honest enough, what i mean i guess if i have held something back when i should have said it… But then on the other hand i also am careful with what i do say so not to offend or to put out an other.

Today someone made me cry because they were honest. They told me something i didn't want to hear and it upset me. It wasn’t a criticism and they were not being rude to me. They needed to be straight about a situation and as a result it hurt me.

I value their honesty, i would have hated to be lied to in that situation… but it hurts.

The truth hurts… but we can not and should not shy away from it…

There are whole dynamics in our lives that we choose to fight to remain separate or secret. There is information we know on others that we shouldn’t. There are parts of us we hold no accountability to others for.

But when should the truth be told? Even if it comes at a cost?

The hurt from today’s conversation will pass and by Thursday i will be fine… but right here right now… the sucker punch hurts, a lot. Its never easy to be the person to hear difficult truth, but also to give it would seem.

To know you will hurt someone is hard. Something we would all shy away from I would hope. But then there is a cost of cover up, deceit and just plain lies.

The cost of honesty, truth seeking and listening to what you are being told as well as what you are saying is massive. Something that needs to be built, maybe we would be so fearful if we knew it was how everyone else sort to behave?

The film ‘The Invention of Lying’ shows a picture of everyone being massively rude and horribly blunt because they aren’t lying. I’m not sure a world with honesty would be that harsh… but may our yes be yes and our no be no.

Listening to Muse: knights of cydonia

How to learn a lesson in 5 quick minutes...

2011-02-14T23:40:00.000Z

'Oh dear'

This is my current state of mind as I lay on my bed reflecting on the day that just was...

The oh dear moment comes from turning around from a very sorry state of affairs mostly grounded in sulking and self pity to recognising that things are ok, that love rules no matter what sort and that just because things are how I 'want' them it doesn't make the now any less valuable.

Yes this is indeed another 'single girl writes about the valentines day blues' blog. But I hope that by getting to the end I don't fall into the repetitive trap of selfishness.

Two weeks ago my little sister Em reminded me our tradition of being loving and generous to each other on valentines day.

(right here and now I need to publicly apologise to her for sulking over this years valentines and not really wanting to enter into the spirit we normally take of friendship and jollity)

But with my feet dragging I agreed to send a card... With my rule, tacky as possible. It was my hope that I'll see the lighter side and not dwell on my normal mode of singleness.

Sure enough the flump sound of post was heard this morning and when I got downstairs sure enough my card of love waited me. Emma is a beautiful friend and I'm forever proud of her. Her card was lovely and very typically us. (Thank you em).

I'm a romantic at heart... I love love, to hear of others love for a partner melts my heart. And each valentines I try so hard to be happy for those who celebrate their romance. I normally do just fine in this challenge, but this year, today, I've struggled.

To the point I've been home alone (nothing new) sulking, over eating and wishing the day away for most of the evening. The tricky balance of being annoyed at the days theme and then being annoyed at being unjustifiably annoyed.

And I saw and sort after no way of getting out of this mode until I read a friend's blog. Keith is a wonderful guy, he has a great depth of knowledge he doesn't recognise most of the time. But he sprinkles my twitter feed with his faith, life and thoughts most days. For which I am thankful for.

He blogged that value of love, the requirement of valentines desire for mushy teddy bears and red hearts is far from what we need or even desire if we are honest. The love in friendship is so important...

Keith's twitter to blog link

So in 5 minutes, holding my phone with a blog post open and my card in the other hand I see what a fool I've been. Yes I do indeed have a heavy heart about wanting things to be different. But this selfish sulk stops me truly loving what I have.

I know that the chance of my never falling into this trap again is very very small, but I can pray and hope that I will not self indulge for too long, not consume so much food and that I do not stop seeing the love that surrounds me for too long.

I thank God for Emma and I thank God for Keith.

And ok maybe at some point I'll thank Him for Valentines...

X

Listening to: Chocolate by Snow Patrol (live at the apple store).

Before I sleep... it's tweet...

2010-11-05T00:01:00.000Z

I have come to recognise I tweet a lot... probably not at much as I used to... unless watching tv by myself...

I think some may assume I'm on facebook a lot as my twitter feed runs into facebook. However it's more of a case I'm on twitter longer and that lasts a mere few minutes.

So... I understand the many uses and reasons other use twitter. But I guess I feel it's important I establish for myself way I probably spend 30/40 minutes total a day taping around my twitter app.

Accountability
My original idea and reason for facebook status' and the tweets was to form a little accountability to whoever would read it. if I could share it for whatever reason then maybe I either shouldn't say it or even be involved with whatever the content was. I still hold to this, like most people what I think doesn't always line up with what I do or say... so it helps for me to engage with an external source.

Reality
I'm not naive to think my engagement via social network is a good and healthy way to form or grow friends. But it does provide a small way of keeping in touch with things outside my personal world and head space.

Culture
It fascinates me just how social media has changed the communication of news. Twitter especially provides an avenue for current happenings and points of view. Allowing me to see what others think or what they have found out with topics I am passionate about or introducing me to the new.

Step out.
There are times when I simply feel I need to be more constructive with what I'm thinking about. To then shoot out an short 140 characters means I need to firm up a thought or let go. Either way I move on.

These four motives mean I may write tweets for different reasons. Some are silly and others reflective. But either way it's not the be all and end all but just a start... an small engagement upon the skimming surface of my mind.

You are welcome to read, question and of course comment... A journey should never be totally alone.

x

The thin line...

2010-10-23T23:32:00.000+01:00

Jesus said to keep forgiving but he also said don't be a door mat. The writer of most New testament Paul points out we have a duty to help others learn from their mistakes.

At work we try and show grace (rather than punishment, acceptance) however this has led to action. Some of the young people have taken advantage of this and so a cycle of no or little learning has been put in an unhelpful motion.

So we are down to zero tolerance of bad behaviour. Forgiveness now comes at a price. It did before, just we took it rather than paying it out.

But this has pushed itself to my own life.

I get pretty hurt, mostly from my own expectations upon others not being fulfilled... This mostly comes down to my naive heart wishing for people to behave towards me how I to them.

When someone wrongs you, especially not knowing it, what should our reaction be? Forgiveness. But what if you don't/can't/won't? Because I don't say anything nothing changes, nothing stops, nothing moves on.

So then a place of sharing and learning is created... But this place is dangerous. It becomes a place of open wounds. Feelings are involved and you leave security.

The scary thing is just how thin the line is we walk between the lie and truth... How much either side if not dealt with carefully and with wisdom it becomes so dangerous, so distorting and so destructive for all involved.

When is the right time to just let things pass, let go and forgive. And when is it right to stand up and deal out what has been happening... With the possible punishment/consequence. And of course with that I hope forgiveness...

I don't know if we can ever know this wisdom fully by ourselves, but my real fear what I destroy if I take the action I know I should.

X

Norman...

2010-10-05T01:05:00.000+01:00

struggling to sleep do blog it is!

walking home from a meeting I had a text from the mum to say Norman Wisdom had died.

very sad, but at 95 years it's not the most unexpected thing to happen. but no matter the age it's still hard, and you'll always miss them.

however Normans passing has lead me down a path of thinking I was hoping to avoid sharing, but I want to... more of a process than a make do thing.

it was the first anniversary of my dads death 4 days ago. apart from a brief meeting in the morning I spent most of the day just relaxing and watching some tv. I just wanted to 'be' and with very little choice as many others were busy. (but a massive heart felt love to those who brought me comfort during the day!)

with Norman dying today I can't help but reflect on what it means to lose someone so pivotal in your life... no matter how long your relationship is, how good or bad it is or even if there is no relationship... the loss of a father is one that holds so much.

a dads role differs from a mothers (both equally important) but holds so much responsibly for who you are, how you see the world and indeed how the world sees you.

it's stuck me tonight that no matter if your father lives to be 100 and you get to 75 before you are divided or if you never even meet them, the hold they leave can never be replaced.

so I write this reminding myself not to expect to fill that gap with another father figure, but also not to simple wish to step over it all and forget the hole that's left. but to respect the man he was and who he created in me. to allow the void to heal and to carry the wound with pride and remembrance...

we should all allow the fact our parents will die to be part of our life no matter when it happens to be a part of our life... there is a place to greave, celebrate and to grow on...

I miss him tremendously, and that will never go, but this doesn't stop me continuing to be his daughter is the life today and tomorrow...

x

listening to: foy vance, be with me.

Who is my neighbour?…

2010-09-17T16:51:00.001+01:00

We have been in our house for 3 months now… kinda scary how the time just fades away, but our time here is going very well, this is home…

last weekend i needed to mow the lawn, but i really didn’t feel like making much of an effort with how i looked, i knew i was in tidy mode and likely to get a sweat on as well as a little messy. So on with the joggers, old t-shirt and on with the household jobs.

As i was fighting with the lawn mower in the front garden i saw one of my neighbours walk past, he slowed now and so, being a polite lady i stopped the machine and walked a little close to him to say hi…

our conversation wasn’t particularity deep, mostly about university, study and holidays… but it was nice to have a little chat.

after he left i realised just how rough i was looking… hair pulled back and looking massively greasy, no make up and rocking the tired look oh so well, just to top that i had the red shiny glow of an unfit person actually working…

While i was cringing inside of the mess he must have witnessed i pondered upon just how he didn’t react, this being said i doubt many would point out the grossness of my Saturday afternoon look, but he gave no concern at all… was nice to not feel judged…

Then i realised this is what it means to be a turn neighbour- not one that ignores how rough someone looks, but now i was totally honest in how i looked- being a neighbour holds that total honesty.

now of course by neighbour i do not mean the street you live in, but the friends, people and world around…

to be a good neighbour is to have a the mask removed and to be genuinely honest with all who you engage with.

Easier said than done at times i know, but one that makes the world so much better never the less…

Listening to: Daniel Beddingfield- he dont live you like i love you

Who do i want to be…

2010-07-13T00:22:00.001+01:00

Today i was asked a question that has made me think once again about who i am and who i want to be…

As a woman i think its in built to always think about who i am… to ponder about my self esteem and if it is in line with reality.

I am unsure if this is a good dynamic of a personality, but one i have and one i know many other women have.

But this leads me to what happened earlier…

Someone asked if i could do something… or at least think about the possibility of doing something… This isn’t the place to explore the answer to that question, i am sure there will be time on that one later.

but for now the surprise, the why i was asked… i was given this description: female, passionate, heart to see women become superb and willing to see the kingdom built.

these were things suggested that i have displayed…

i see these things in me and i freely admit that i wish to have more of this,(apart from the female thing as i am already pretty good at that factor) but i don't think i have ever had anyone tell me that they at least seek cracks of these light from me.

this isn't to say i have such a low self value that i fail to see anything others or even God sees in me, but that i just never saw or believed it before (yes there is a difference in those two statements of observation!) Its like walking past a picture on a wall you have walked past for months, you saw it once, maybe even looked at it a few times, but after a while it just becomes the wall and you no longer recognise it for the value or beauty it has.

at times in my life i see myself as others see me… most of the time this is a distorted and twisted view that has been corrupted by my own second guessing. but sometimes, just a few times i get a sneaky peek and what they really see and i am surprised.

So what do i take from this?

i realise from my understanding of individual and spiritual development we need to recognise who we are in how we are mirrored in the relationships we are placed in. (How we see ourselves through other’s eyes).

This then means i need to work on my development of seeing what others see, not allowing my own template to dictate or to allow judgement on either side to lead. But to realise the value the other has.

and of course what God sees…

Listening to: By the time by Mika

I’m back!

2010-07-10T20:45:00.001+01:00

Miss me?!

Probably not in all honesty… i recognise that most these blogs are flung into the big wide space that is the internet and very few cast a look over them… But i don’t write to gain readers or even to ask for others understanding.

I write as at times i have plenty to say and no way of saying it… and so here are my words in a vain hope to be active in some form of moving on or developing my own thought.

Write a diary you may suggest… but i must have taken my fair share of trees in the amount of blank books i’ve started and then failed to fill… I just need a simple outlet with no restrictions to hand ache or spelling.

I guess there is a small part that hopes someone reads this at some point, again for not validation but just that what i write here is what i would say to someone who was sat next to me and willing to engage into a conversation to whatever my wander little mind has goes…

My life style, work and social are fair mixed which leaves me alone for a lot of odd times, i don’t mind but conversation is lacking at times. My exploration of me, the world, faith, youth work, media and many other topics then get a little crowded in my head to the point scrambling them down for others to stumble upon them makes sense.

So, after a break off I am back to witter on on many things happening…

Thanks for reading if you have gotten thing far!

Listening to: Mint Royal- Blue

Technorati Tags: blogging,me,sharing

hmmm...

2010-06-03T19:29:00.000+01:00

I miss blogging...

I move soon and hoping to get the Internet at home... then I'll return!

x

Sat in my car...

2010-03-05T00:03:00.000Z

... And I'm just listening to music which I love so much...

Saw Mika in Bristol tonight... At a gig of course and sadly not just an over coffee chat...

He was very good, clearly lives to be the entertainer and has a very good stage production team...

But something happened to me that normally is reserved for a 'meaningful' song or powerful tune...

The tears of awe and wonder...

But the difference was it was at the start, and wasn't anything to do with what I was listening to

During the support I was fairly bored, he was good but I was ready for mika entertainment and mika he was not... So my mind wondered and I started to think of how the angels praise God...

The bible talks of singing and harps... But this was in the context of singing and harps... Guitars and pianos weren't around then... So started to wonder if in heaven God is being praised by amazing bands with every possible skill and harmonic bliss...

Then I sat, waited and the show as had paid to watch began... After the acted introduction came the first song and I found the stiring I normally keep a hold of till we are in full gig swing. As the lights blazed around the room, lighting each face present and being a full presents of the music we heard it was very clear... This is a glimpes of heaven... The tears fell more than normal, and I knew once more God honnoured me was this blessing...

No mika is not god, no the song that was playing wasn't for god nor were the people there to praise Him... But I saw just for those few seconds how big and amazing it will be... More than we can ever write, experience or expect... Better than the best...

Heaven is a band, there to bring the best praise possible...

X

You again...

2010-02-17T01:14:00.000Z

After a lovely evening with friends combining my favorite things of food music and hosting, I get home with a bitter taste in my mouth...

My company was fabulous and my food was great but there is a guy...

It normally is right?!

I do fine without him, go weeks without seeing him and then... Then without any effort I turn into a little jealous school girl.

I'm not sure I even like him... Certainly not effort to be worthy of concern. But the conversations we've had seemed good, indepth and enjoyable. But these stopped very quickly and now it feels like a big void...

I don't mind moving on, some friendships do. But it's the looks and glances that I see... Makes it difficult to understand.

Human emotion is so complicated at times... Or is it just a case that we hold the answers we just over think and complicate with clouds of ponderment...

No matter what, the moment has passed and now I need to box up and move on...

X

Watching: Spaced

The day the spilts the westen world...

2010-02-13T21:23:00.000Z

Tomorrows seeing 14th of feburary and another valentines day...

We witness the great divide of the couples and the singletons. The paired up try to create new romantic memories, while those without a partner try and be happy even if it's genuine or not...

This is where I confess is the landmark time I wonder what the next year holds for me when it comes to my own love life. Each year I find myself single, and that's not an issue... But like new years, birthdays and every other landmark in our calendar it's a time to take stock. To look back at what's gone and wonder what's to come.

I always wonder when I get to the next 14th day of the second month if I might at least have a boyfriend to plot sending lovehearts to... So far the wonders haven't gotten me far. And that's ok, I'm happy to leave it in Gods hands... No matter how fustrating I might get.

I've been trying to work out how much effort a single Christian should put in when thinking about settling down...

Now I start from the understanding a Christian looking to date is a Christian looking for the long term marriage thing (yes that scary commitment requirement!) But how active should a Christian be to find the 'one'?

The Christian faith requires exactly that... Faith, that trust, the understanding and calm to know it's in Gods hands. We are created with free will, created with creativity and created with the skills to assess what to do in each situation... But that doesn't mean we don't need the guidance or wisdom God imparts, I know I would be lost without it.

So can we activily make those massive decisions or should we wait for God to reveal himself and his plans? Should Christians go for the dating help or simply wait?

When serving God is top of the list what else or who else should you need? With this perspective finding a husband isn't as important.. Yes loneliness is rubbish and our culture says the being single is a negative... But God creates the bigger picture. With that looking for a date isn't the most important thing... No matter if it's a struggle the trust in God becomes even more imporant.

I'm not sure if I made my thoughts clear or if I'm right in my ponderings... But I know even if I'd love to find my own love I should and am happy to meet another valentines day single... And will simply ask and wait on God.

X

Filming watching

Possibly a VERY good idea...

2010-02-12T10:43:00.002Z

http://robinhoodtax.org.uk/

If this as simple as it says it is... why not? From nurses to Youth workers the money is being cut back... lets create the oppotunity for this to stop.

Scary to think just how much money does go through our banks if those figures are just 0.05% on transactions...

Am I really still only 13 years old?!

2010-01-14T23:41:00.000Z

Over the last few weeks I've been thinking about friendships... While mine can be difficult and hard work at times there is always value in having people who genuinly mean something to you.

At school I was a loner, mostly due to bullying and poor social ability I never really had much of a network of long lasting friends (not to say I'm not thankful for the friends I had but out Of them I am only in contact with one now).

This isn't a pity me blog, but I need to say were I'm coming from...

At 16 leaving school was one of the best things I've ever done. Looking back I now understand school didn't allow me to be the extrovert that I really am...

I love being the centre of attension and so the progression is to want to be popular... And this is were I struggle.

Recently I found myself being back in the big pond and being a small fish. Where there were social groups Im not a part of and where there are other queen bees ruling the rooms Im in.

I'm not a control freak, I don't demand anything from anyone. I just simply like to know what's happening and where I stand with everyone... This isn't possible when the situation is changed...

And so I find myself conjuring all those feelings and emotions of a 13 year old. Wanting to be in the popular girls gang, wanting to be cool and liked.

I didn't like it then and now was no difference... But why? Am I so shallow I need that afirmation?! Or is it a case of undoing the past? Or maybe just down to insecurity?

Whatever the answer... Now I can see it I need to let it go, no matter what the answer is there is very little I can do to fix what is outside of my control.

X

Is there ever a time you are 'ok' with death?

2010-01-06T13:58:00.000Z

Now before I go any further I think I'm ok with my own mortality, the question is about the death of others...

Today is the funeral of two people. Both of whom I wasn't close to but still saddens me to think they no longer have their influences in this world personally.

I can't bear the idea of going into that setting yet...

But when will I ever? I've been to a grandfathers and another relativeS and even a boy when we were still at school... And it's been fine afterwards. But after my own dad's funeral I struggle to get my head round the 'give it time' concept.

It's not that I have a desire to go to all the funerals possible, but it seems to be so different post October '09...

Maybe it's now so personal, the detachment can no longer happen... I guess my ponder then is when can I detach once again?!

X

Watching CBB

it's just 11 weeks...

2009-12-19T15:14:00.000Z

Yep... 11 weeks since my dad died and I've had a lot to work out, think over, put into act and react to in every aspect of my life...

All this makes me ponder if I am numb to somethings or I just have a delyed reaction...

There are somethings can't write in my blog as it's not fair on those involved...

But I can say is my pain I've felt at times hasn't been softened at the times I've expected...

And so Christmas is here in less than one week it's a landmark in my life... bigger than many that have gone before... In all honesty I'm not sure how to prepare for it, but while that's something I dislike at the best of times, it's part of the package...

I just need to take things as they happen, we can no more prepare for the death of someone than the fallout afterwards... But being ready for the unknown can help... How that works I am unsure of though!

Tomorrow I preach at the churches nativity, the core to Christmas is love- more love than we can ever comprehend. No matter if you have a Christian faith or not you can still recognise the heart of the story is God acting out his plan to reunite what was separated... By giving a sacrafice that means more than anything else, His son...

Love in action

No matter where we are, no matter what you believe, no matter what is happening may this love be shown to you.

X

Listening to: mountains by biffy clyro

chew chew!

2009-11-22T22:28:00.000Z

This weekend saw me getting back to the youthwork conference without food poisioning distractions or traffic issues...

It was a welcome (yet still busy) break from the norm and has given me much to think about...

Was good be remindered of Psalm 1 once again and the Jewish custom and value of not only thinking things over and over but recognize that there isn't always one answer to the question.

I'm still blasted from the words of Jim Wallis : FAITH > HOPE > ACTION > CHANGE ... And just how this works out in my life, faith and practice. I have no idea what this looks like yet... But to be sure will be ringing out from a long time to come...

But the negative package I brought back was my reaction to a certain very famous Christian speaker. The words he used, the absense of any real link to the weekends theme and the exclusivity of his practice all led myself and the other youth work leaders in my party to be not only fustrated but a feeling of annoyance and very wound up...

The question to myself into the big wide world of the blog is what now... I am able to construct ways and means of using all I learnt in my life and world. But about the rubbish bits that I seem to have ringing in my ears, the poor example set as 'good'... So many lap up the words of such influencal people without questioning- something I always ask others to do, never just settle for being spoon fed!

How do I let go of things that annoy and be constructive?...

I don't pretend to know it all... But when you think something isn't right it's your reaction that counts for what is in front of you... Say or do nothing and it can only be assumed as ok no matter how wrong or right...

X

X Factor isn't so new...

2009-11-03T22:55:00.000Z

Ok so while I still ponder many lyrics etc etc (blah blah blah!)...

I realised something on my way home this evening that as much as i can't not stand X Factor or any other show of the same breeding it is just a public version if used to/still happening to find the lastest pop culture taste...

Look at Take That, Blue and most other boy bands (and girl groups) and you find 4-5 people all auditoned from different parts of the uk to come together and form what could be the next big thing...

In my musical taste just allow a few of these made up groups into my iTunes collection... Then why can I object to the 'reality' shows just making a process I'm ok with open to more public opinon than it would have gotten in the 90s?

I'm not excusing these shows, I still think they are rubbish and a waste of money for a result I am rarely happy with... But if the same created 'bands' are to be churned out tv program or not, maybe it is a good thing it's done in the watchers' view?

I roll my eyes that I've said 'ok' to the x factor- a show I never watch but find myself asking for key weekly phases to keep in vouge with conversations....

Noise to express my annoiance... GAH!

X

how to help...

2009-10-21T10:15:00.000+01:00

So anyone who has read anything of this or knows me, knows that music is a large part of my life... As are the lyrics.

So this is the lastest: 'what can I do to save the day, if only it was as easy as a DVD and a take away' from Mr Hudson- lift your head

So this is what I'll be thinking on for a wee while...

X

Listening to: mr Hudson- time

Test number 3

2009-10-09T18:14:00.001+01:00

3rd try...

this is just a test

2009-10-08T12:26:00.001+01:00

trying out a new format to see if this works...

new blog...

2009-10-06T01:21:00.001+01:00

I'm thinking of setting myself another year challenge...

A little while ago I took a picture of myself, one a day and then made a short film.

I'd like to think I see the lighter side of the day, but could a point out something everyday for a year that was good? Easy on a good day, but what about those days that are rubbish- when I'm low and I don't care to share?!

Well... Let's try it- I'm going to take this challenge, but need to look at the format. Blogging on my phone doesn't include pictures and Twitter/facebook are too casual to keep this record directly.

Once the funeral and I'm back to work I'll get on how and what shape this challenge will take...

X

Watching: might boosh series one: Charlie.

the only words I seem to know are only sounds...

2009-10-01T00:01:00.000+01:00

I write blogs for a few reasons but tonight it's to share how I feel and maybe give hope to anyone is a similar situation who may stumble across this ramble...

Today my dad died

For the last 5/6 years we have spent our time thinking most days could be the last, making plans and putting them on hold and in the end watching the human being who gave me life be reduced to a shell.

I say this without bitterness or even resentment. I believe whatever happens God has a bigger plan than I'll ever comprehend... I say it in observation as I cooly and calmly bring myself to understand the man who gave me my wit and sense of humour is no long here, I no longer have the hero to be a side kick to in the comdey due of the house.

It's been tough for my family to come to terms with what's been happening. Many will plead the case it was unfair for my dad to have spent such a long time (for want if a better word) dying. And to die at such a relativly young age of 60. And I don't know- of course I would love him to be here, to still laugh with and try to solve the worlds problems in one of our late Friday evening chats, and I cetainly never want anyone to go through what he did...

But our lives are in chapters, some we think will continue how we want and others are changed and are altered...

I can never pretend to know everything, but I know that there is safety in not knowing. I can't fool myself with falseness or blind myself to truth. But I do know this...

My dad will be missed by many
My dad is now no longer suffering
My dad was secure in his faith and didn't fear death
My dad will leave his mark on this earth that will continue for many many years to come

And

My dad is my dad and I am proud of him for his whole life esp these last few years.

X

Can't we talk?

2009-09-26T11:47:00.000+01:00

In my last blog I put up Mr Hudson's latest single 'White Lies' with the challenge to myself to think on it...

I don't want to look at the writer or to say I have a difinitive answer from these lyrics... But just to look at the challenge that if I lay claim to sing along and use these words myself- what am I saying?

For we there are two elements which come from this song...

Is it ever justified to lie?

And

Are we doing the right thing when we change our behaviour to better a relationship?

I could write hundreds of words exploring the rights and wrongs of answers to these questions- but I'm not to voice of reason for anyone else but me.

So for one of the few times i'm not going to say much more... But to leave those questions hanging in the air as the song continues to play in your ears...

X

Watching: Hancock on DVD (not bad do far)

White Lies from Mr Hudson Video...

2009-09-24T13:09:00.003+01:00

With my love of music and lyrics i often have the conversation in my head...
what does it mean?
what does it mean to sing it?

This isnt ever for one song... but with a new single i thought i'd ask again of Mr [Ben] Hudson's song White Lies and ask a few questions... here is the video... i will blog later on where ive gotten to on my wonderings...

Mr Hudson - White Lies from MrHudson on Vimeo.

I don't need your responce...

2009-09-21T00:38:00.000+01:00

I've found myself at that point again when I just have to question what's going on and how I can once more dig out of the hole I have seemed to put myself into...

I don't want a responce, I can't make that any clearer: I just simply need to get out what's happening in my head in a constuctive form. I don't need anyone to ask me about this nor do I want to talk about it, I will talk to the friends I need when I am able to conjure the words without choking...

I've been thrown into thinking about loneiness once more... Yes I am single, and yes I am happy to wait: as long as I do get a happy ending my heart us settled with.

But with this comes the loneiness, the loneiness I realise I've had follow me like a gray cloud all my life. The loneiness that has lead me into stupid and difficult emotional situations I care never to repeat.

The loneiness that at times crates bitterness and anger, jealousy and fustration.

I know this isn't me and yet it consumes me...

I want it all to stop and I know the answer doesn't simply lie with another person, it's bigger than that. It would be a false to place the responsiblity onto a person and expect them to be perfect and able to carry my load...

I know I can't simply seek to replace one problem with another, just putting a plaster over a gapeing wound doesnt make it any better...

So how do I get to this point of ok-ness... The realisation that the balance in a relationship can now be entered?

When does the loneiness go without the burden or pressure?

X

I like smiling me...

2009-09-14T17:32:00.000+01:00

Yes, as the title says... I like to smile.

I like the effect on myself and the person I send the flash of teeth to, be it a stranger, a shop assisstant, a close friend or someone in the next car.

I don't smile to gain reward, just to spead happiness and a mini bit of love-the glimpes if God's love I hope.

But these smiles seem to be getting me into trouble. And not, I add quickly, the flirty guy trouble you might think!

This trouble seems to be the betrayal of how I am really feeling, my smiles have become a mask: one I never intended. Yes, at times my smiles have been a coping thing. But it seems everyone reads them at 'face value'.

My issue is how am I really feeling?! Which is the honest answer? Is there a mask or am I ok?

It's not that I don't know how I am feeling, it's just my reaction to the fact not many other people seem to know.

Right now my personal life is pretty rubbish, but I have to take it in my stride, or I know it would tip my over the edge if sanity (thus the smiles etc). But this has lead to many people in my life thinking I'm fine, when at times I'm really not...

So how do I express/share/show what's going on without the outbrust or sudden death tears?! My smiles aren't a cover: but I know they now build a wall of fakery I never intented... When I smile I do mean it- but how do I smile along WITH the sadness in my heart, for the death I know is coming soon to my family?

X

Listening to: muse, the resistance.

can't touch this...

2009-07-16T11:32:00.001+01:00

so i do well for gigs... of course i am fortunate enough to get to buy tickets to go to quite a few over the year...

but i get my fair share of won tickets too...

the most resent Mr Hudson iTunes in London, was a great gig. Massive fan of Mr Hudson for a few years now and it is good to see him get more recognition for the amazing talent he clearly has.

but this gig showed me something i hadnt noticed... the obsession with touch...

im not talking about the far i was deep in a crowd, i mean the witness to a 'need' to touch the famous.

Mr Hudson's support was Kid British, a new band who i was quite impressed with. especially their own version of madness 'our house'. it seemed i was almost crushed as one of the band came down to the no mans land between stage and crowd. the rush of the people who all wanted to get just that little bit closer to the singer, hands grabbing at anything they could find...

after the heat calmed down from the mad surge, we started to get excited for Mr Hudson's soon to be performance... and sure enough he came on and clearly gave all he could. As he sang with Kanye West (his special guest) Mr Hudson jumps down into that no mans land and while the pushing wasnt as bad, there was a raising up of hands all clutching and grabbing at the air around this famous person...

his singing wasnt affected and so i didnt really know what was happening other than i couldnt see... i wasnt till i looked at the official pictures i saw the head hugging only 8ft away from me.

but i dont get it... whats with the NEED to touch, grab and feel the famous... i now think back to Maximo Park and the massive annoyance of a young guy who i can only describe as obsessively arm flailing and air punching each time Paul Smith came remotely near us... again trying to touch...

I am reminded of the story of Jesus in a crowd with the woman touched him, who was then healed... she had it in her mind 'if i just touch him i will be well'... is it this we try to grab hold of today? while i know no one would claim famous people have any special powers, what do we think we can gain by touching a stranger?

Listening to: TV- the bill, dad's choice not mine....

Faith by music... again...

2009-05-24T17:59:00.001+01:00

So this month has been a 'gigtastic' month as it has been named...

I will blog picture, reviews and indeed who i have seen once i have uploaded all the photos etc...

but for now... here are my reflections...

this is were i need to confess... only when you get to the only side you quite realise what was happening...

my faith has and is and i am sure will be a massive part of my life...

however due to somethings happening i have been suffering a lot with feeling rubbish and generally and at a cost, my faith took a battering...

i am slowly rebuilding myself, not by myself... this brick by brick remold is God's work...

But i cant help but laugh at quite what happened...

each time i actively engage with anything i try to ask God from him to reveal something within what is happening... and it works, countless times i have met with God.

(please note that this is MY experience and is based upon my faith, while i recognise i can leave myself wide open for your views and if you think they is or isnt a God/god. for me there is... that is where faith comes in. you cant disprove faith. im not claiming to have anything sorted or to even tell you what to believe, but i want to share my experience for anyone to read and reflect the impacts upon their own life. this blog is called 'walk with me' for that simple reason, i dont ask you to fight, chase or even agree, but just to simple walk and i will happily listen to my company as you listen and engage with me)

in my anger i often find my tears. a frustrating part of my life, i cry at most things... ask anyone one who knows me well to know this.

most of the times i can hide in the mask (we all have) and carry on with life. life on your own gives you chance to think about these things- and lately i just havent had a chance to ignore things....

i have blogged many a time on how words stir me, they give me something to own . im not someone who writes easily, someone who can create great sentence structure (as you can tell)... but i do find the beauty in listening to others... and no more so than in lyrics.

and this is where the laughing comes back...

in one night, one song highlighted massive issue and another saved me from it....

i have been wondering around (in my head) like a little lost lamb unsure what to do with how i was feeling or how to act/react to what was going wrong, something no one knew about...

then, during a karaoke session with the usual suspects in my life i found myself asking 'im i losing my faith' REM was the song that made we question this oh so much...

yes i know this is a stereotype so i will not hold onto that... but i found myself really asking, have i lost it all? have i lost the one thing i thought i had held steadfast. and furthermore what do i do? who do i speak to?!

then an hour later i see my friend singing, another friend holding onto me and i realise that no matter what i am doing, no matter who i think i have become or how much a fear things.... i am not alone. when the words....

'ill stand by you'

were uttered into my ear and deep into my soul.

yes, i found my faith again in girls aloud... a disappointing but true fact.

and now i seek His face once again in the everyday, in the normal, in the voice of others and in His word...

its not always easy, but even with your eyes closed you cant stop who is standing next to you....

Listening to: Mr Hudson: Picture of you.

Addition:

while i have struggled with my faith, i dont doubt God. it is this that allows me to continue to live, work and do everything else in my life.... God is a constant... not me. the better way round.

i really do believe it is within the doubt we really see more of God...

lyrics...

2009-04-08T01:59:00.000+01:00

Last night I saw the Rumblestrips at the Thekla... The support band were so young!... I am getting more and more used to the fact the amount of people younger than me grows each day.

But want I noticed was the lack of lyrics at times... Nah nah nah and woooo ahhhh... I found myself getting fustrated by this...

I love the engagement of songs, to hear peoples takes on their world. While, at a guess, most songs are based on love and relationships... Peoples ideas and ideals are always different...

So what do we do with the lyrics we soak up?

Agreement?
Challenged?
Enlightened?
Desire to want or own for ourselves?

What we do with what we take in reflects the impact, it gadges our reactions...

I am trying to see if there is a song that comes unstuck at this thought...if there is a song who's lyrics doesn't reflect and or challenge... Even Barbie girl makes you wonder what is fake and real in this life... Even if it is on a some what shallow level!

I have babbled enough...

I should make sure I use my words carefully...

X

it seems so much has changed...

2009-04-02T22:20:00.000+01:00

And yet nothing seems different...

I am forever learning you will never get to the point where you truely can make the statement 'this is it, I know all I need to know'.

I have told countless people about the strange fact of maturing simply means stop declearing yourself as mature... And realize there is always room for improvment... Indeed we all reach the age of 18,21,25 etc and think 'this is it'. I am an adult I can do this thing called life just fine... A year later and call our pass selves fool when we realize we still had so much to learn...

While I think this process slows down as we age, is it just part of our self being to insist we have reached the pinical of our life just to be shown up by our future selves?

I'm not looking for answers, but as a leave another birthday behind me I ponder who I'll be in a years time...

I've always been me, but how I see things change.

Cuttently chuckling to myself as a think of the word change... How it is a powerful word, but when does that power take it's place?

While I might have changed (I question if people want to see that in me but wish to claim hold on the old me they already knew) what if nothing has changed around me, what is the enagement of these two? Oil and water or orange juice and cola?

X

Listening to: the eels with man up

finally I have blogger on my iPhone!!

2009-02-19T20:27:00.000Z

So hopefully now my blogging should be up to date... Maybe

Altho I can not work out if this a good thing yet!

I have one of many thoughts at the moment... It has taken a long time, but now a relationship I gave longed for almost all my life is amazing, a little too late. But will be a blessed memory forever...

X

Listening to: the tv... Masterchef

Mobile Blogging from here.

Its been a while...

2009-02-11T16:47:00.001Z

So it has been an age since my last blog... not masses to update anyone on really...

I am on the move again, my flat is being sold so i am off to another flat about a mile away from where i am... it is a little bigger than what i have now... so winner!

So...

i have had a mass influx of technology in my life as of late... the iphone is now my very own, and church have new laptops and i been reflecting the need or desire to communicate or at least make your mark in the internet world...

when i think about network sites i am only a member of facebook... but then when i list other sites that aren't myspace or bebo... i realise i network online more than i would have thought...

blogging (clearly)

facebook

twitter

and my latest... snaplog

what do i want to achieve from all this posting, wall writing and pokes?!

first i need to point out i haven't ever come to the point where i have needed to poke someone via facebook- two reasons... store them up for reality and it just seems silly to poke when you could just say hi, but meh that's just me...

i say at some point each week how i like to have the attention... which is true

[for example my performance at karaoke last night wasn't just a simple singing but act for anyone who would watch, which turned out to be a few]

... so then is all this just ways of just jumping up and down and saying look at me?

or is there more?

should there be more?

i think there is... our worth comes from how we are seen in others... how best to work out how someone feels about us by giving them something to react to?

So then am i (us/we/you) just asking everyone to tell us what our worth is?

As a Christian the bible tells us what we are worth to God... everything.

This should be enough... shouldn't it?

and it is, but there are times when you need people around you so show that love, that affirmation.

I was preparing sundays discussion today, as a church we are starting 40 days of community on sunday so we are starting it in the teen classes too this first one fore us is 'better together' 'belonging'...

Paul writes in three different letters the value of the community who are together, each having their own gifts and abilities to the benefit of the whole....

together we make more sense than alone...

so then is internet engagement part of this or is it still too superficial? is it skating on the top when we need to go further... the further then real life engagement which no amount of pictures, words or hits can replace?

how to we make the reality of interfacing via a source of wires and blinking lights more than just a flat screen?

LISTENING TO- Grounds for divorce by Elbow

New SpringWidget

2008-12-16T13:01:00.001Z

Get this widget!

It's Christmas time...

2008-12-16T12:59:00.001Z

The title would suggest i am either going to spring into 'do they know it's Christmas' or i am at least just stating the time of year it is right now...

Either way Christmas is but 9 ish days away and my fake Christmas is just two days away, but this doesn't stop me thinking of other things...

At work we have a nativity on Sunday morning, which is always good to see the littles doing something cute- and we have a good habit of making sure we dont just repeat the year before of 'traditional' nativity scene setting which is great for all those involved and watching.

I am leading and doing the talky bit of the service and i guess this a kind of sneak preview of at least what i am thinking about saying.

But really i want to talk and am thinking about avoidance.

Christmas is a massive time of busyness, the time of year when you have to be with people when you want to be alone and when loneliness is at its most depressing...

The shopping

The food

The memories

The TV

The traditions

Christmas is action packed... but i wonder if we thing or reflect what is is all about, yes hopefully most people know at least it is in memory of the birth of Jesus... does this mean anything more?

For Christians and myself included it is a celebrated time to mark God's love, choosing to come into a world, to live in perfection to then lead to the events of Easter.

Americans have thanks giving day... and i cant help think that Christmas needs to learn from this. Christmas is a time to take stock and listen to what it means to be in relationship with God who created a whole plot line working out the best possible way to make it possible for that relationship to be rebuilt. And then from that listening to take action, to be truly thankful.

I am not sure what this looks like, and i know i like to personally wallow in my self pity, or selfness at times, but i guess i am asking what does it mean to be truly thankful and how do you show it?

In my head i remind myself of Grace, the undeserving gift, where there is nothing we can do to make up for the love given to us but to accept it... this is hard when you want control, when you want to feel you have earn it.

When we feel we have done enough to make ourselves worth loving, when really we are loved more than we know or than we are worth in human terms...

I am not sure quite where i am going now...

So i will stop...

Happy Christmas to all who read this and may 2009 be a year to remember for all its reasons

Listening to- Human by the Killers (and myself wishing i had ross noble tickets for may 14th :P )

Praying for- guidance with friends

'just'...

2008-11-20T16:14:00.001Z

This is only going to be a short one...

But i an getting more and more annoyed at the limitations i place in my prayers... by a short and simple word...

just

LISTENING TO: Arguments by RID

PRAYING FOR: the young people i am working with

Addition...

2008-11-12T16:05:00.001Z

I have thought further about the friend zone thing...

The friend zone is normally something for guys. Whenever i have seen it in a film or TV or in the net it is normally a status given to men from women who just don't see them as 'anything more' than friends.

So then how does a guy become just a friend and thing more? For what a girl expects, wants, desires or chooses to seek in a guy is probably based of what they have fed their heart from the world around them. As children we are all probably given countless images of the fairytale.

So then how does a guy, the normal everyday, climb up to the disney image?

Is this wrong? For women to seek their own prince? Or for guys to settle with who they are and just ask to be accepted?

Im not sure what point i am trying to make, but i think the friend zone is probably there as the puzzle pieces just dont fit for whatever reason... and i guess what happens next depends on how much you want to fight your corner: disney VS want ?

When did i get so cynical?

2008-11-12T15:37:00.001Z

I have been thinking a lot about love lately...

Well don't we all? I think love is the centre of our lives, everything is or needs to be connected to love...

The Christian faith is all about love, the bible speaks of God being love. The act of love from Jesus in his sacrifice for our recreated relationship with God. So many times the Christian faith has been misunderstood or misused to create and things that aren't of God, aren't of love. for this i pray we can continue to learn from these mistakes with God's help.

Now i have spoken to some length about being single on here, for that i do not make an apology. Singleness is or should be just as valued a status as being married. And i continually strive to be happy with my single-ness, this is were i am at and i should be able to be happy with the situation and opportunities that are being created all around me all the time.

But i have wondered if my singleness is a long(er) term thing. The bible talks of our desires being made and fulfilled by God, and i one day desire to do the whole settle down and marriage thing... so i wait for God to sort that out.

So like most single people who wonder if 'love' or 'the one' is out there i have the radar of love on and guys become a top trump card of categories to see at what status do they have in my life. Friends or more?!

I understand this probably makes me sound like a complete fool and desperate, but i don't think i am. i think this male scanning process is something natural- we all want to be loved and part of that is finding someone to share that love with.

Lately my friends have been asking me the classic question of 'would i go out with someone who was not a Christian'. this isnt the place for me to start giving the rights and wrongs of Christian dating- indeed its a mine field of blurry vision in gray matter.

Im not going to go into that today... but i have questioned the friends to more situation. The idea that friends can become more than just friends to me does not fit with my dream of the knight in shining armor... but then does that really matter?

One friend is a romantic at heart, and i love her for it... but i do struggle with her ideal of from friendship more can happen. I ask myself where does the passion come from, where does the realisation that there is love more than just friends there? I understand the concept- but dont understand the process, how can a puddle grow into an ocean?!

Another friend of mine was stating its over for her and a guy as it has been too long as friends for it to really be anything more.

Is there a danger of 'the friends zone'? Or do you really marry your best friend?

Maybe i am clouded by 'desire' to be whisked off my feet by my prince?

Now i make these statements carefully, i am not saying to any guy who is already in my life that nothing could/would happen... but i do think i while my dreams of 'mr right' are created as they are it would be difficult to buck the trend of my heart- only God can change that one maybe?

I don't have the answers and in someways i won't, but then there is fun is working it out. and i do believe god will place someone in my life who is completely right for me... and till then i will wait (and try to be happy about it! lol)

LISTENING TO- The Tears by RID

PRAYING FOR- my mum and dad

This weekend I am mostly sulking...

2008-10-12T16:50:00.001+01:00

Age 25

Current Age 8

you know what you get so fixed on an idea that when it doesnt happen or it doesnt happen they way you want it completely throws you?!

well at least i am still like this and now fear i will be like this for my whole adult life... although i do not remember doing it much as a child, so many i am making up for it (like i really need to eh?!)

friday saw a heavy day at work with meeting and face to face work more than normal and all week i had new friday was coming and was ready for it. then i had the oppotunity to go out after work for a wind down dance to then chillout on the saturday having made myself so tired the night before... however plans change and i was home by 1045 in the most stupid and rubbish mood...

so first... i am sorry i was such an annoying child sulking in a manner that just wasnt needed!

and secondly... i realised that while i dont like this action, how it makes me feel or how it makes others feel... its still part of me and that it is still part of my life with God.

today i had the chance to sit in and be normal in church... i wasnt working and had the chance to just listen. today was all about living under grace and not bound by law.

it was pointed out that God doesnt want to hit us over our head to make us do something, but rather wants us to want to do it... (much like many rom com plots) so then this becomes interesting... when i dont want to do something (as i am in a mood) then what happens to my relationship with God?

he becomes my comfort... he morns with me (even if it really is over silly things) im not say that just because i want to do something that God is in that, i could want to punch someone in the face but i doubt God is in that. But what i am saying is that in my moods, my fits of sulk, i want to invite God there too...

God is a God of grace, fills the gaps even though we will never ever deserve it... this god then is with me whatever...

When i dont want to talk to God he is still there... i am learning more and more that while i toss my arms about he just waits...

i want to know him more, i want to be more like him.

LISTENING TO- Duncan Lloyd- nightfly

How things change...

2008-09-17T15:43:00.001+01:00

So at the moment life its a little different...

In fact it will probably never be the same ever again...

New life...

This coming Saturday I have been asked to give the 'talk' at a local Youth Service... which i am looking forward to in a kinda 'oh my' kinda way. But it is a great way of keeping my grounded... the more i have to think and reflect on things that are outside of my head the better....

I have been given the topic of 'life'... the idea came from the new term and new life in Christ thinking...

And i am realising right now this minute i am two steps over the edge of the new life i have now...

My new job is great... being part of a community and serving, using my skills to continue what is happening and thinking about starting new projects and adventures.

However i say two steps off the edge as this new start i can never return from or start again... My father is in hospital, and is dying. It is unlikely he will make it to Christmas, and daily is becoming less and less like himself...

My new life will have someone missing and my relationships will change as a part of thing.

My dad is safe and secure in his faith, and strongly believes he knows what will happen once he has died... the bible talks of the security we have in Christ, and i can see this in action more than ever right now.

Neither of us are scared of death... which is something so many people it would seem are and fight so hard against. I could rant about so much more on this but i will leave it for now...

I want to keep on track with thinking about life... New life...

When we are born we have life, some would believe its part of one continuous cycle, as one dies another is brought into being. Others, like myself, would say a new life, a whole new person, a fresh being.

But it doesnt just stop there does it?

New life doesnt just start at the minute you were born into this world, while it does, isn't there countless more times we start again, we begin a new chapter. Some are chosen, and some just happen...

But this brings a challenge of what do we do with this new starts. These new lives we have... what does it mean? What can be the impacts?

The list could be endless of the positive or negatives... but doesnt it bring a sense of freedom? Certainly in the Christian faith you begin within the Freedom of Christ when you start your journey.

Looking at what it means with what will happen to me soon... i will start again a new chapter with no earthly father... is this a kind of freedom? Not to say i wish my dad dead, nor say i am trapped within parental concerns. But that this freedom is me standing on my own feet... i HAVE to grow up a little more. I will still be the silly little girl who seeks attention at all times... but that the responsibility of my father for me now rests on my own shoulders and not his.

As i look to prepare my talk for Saturday i will be looking at the new and asking what does it mean? what do we lose and what does that change?

I dont want to give the answers... i want to help to seek to explore...

May God help me

LISTENING TO- Bloc Party- Like eating glass

The field of many I just have one thought right now...

2008-09-06T19:18:00.001+01:00

Lots is happening... and will return to write what that is later...

But all i wonder right now is why at a time love seems to be needed to most do i fight so hard to only want it from where it should come from and run from the places that help?

LISTENING TO... Too late by Mr Hudson and the libaray

See... Youth Work is such hard work at times...

2008-08-18T16:00:00.002+01:00

I've been thinking...

2008-07-18T18:17:00.001+01:00

Over the last few weeks things have been kinda difficult... most of my friends have been away, ill or moving... and with the added family illnesses stuff, life hasn't been all that easy...

loneliness has ruled...

anger came to stay...

and

questions set in...

i am doing better now... it took having my head melted down and re-set with a few sharp words about my work that allowed me to recognise just how deep the hole i had dug had gotten again...

i fear it every time... the darkness of the pit that sometimes we just do not realise we sit in until someone shines a light and makes us look at the walls we think are closing in on us

this isnt a pity party... my blog isnt meant to be, but i want to write about the reality of life. being a Christian isnt a free pass to the end... life is hard- plain and simple

without valleys we cant see the mountains... and all that...

in a resent meeting i had to read about how the church should be the foreground of setting the bar for honesty- that we should be a place where people feel that they can be honest, be truly themselves...

this also calls for us to be honest about where we are with God... to find space to explore our doubts, the book we read expressed how faith needs to have doubts, places where God can reach in and use these points to deep our relationship with him.

while my faith takes a battering- but i can never let go and not believe...

the reason i started this blog was because i wanted to say something on the title 'life is a journey... walk with me for a while'... i wanted to say that that journey continues regardless of who is or is not with me/i/us on the path... and while my path sometimes is alone i can still walk along it.

LISTENING TO- Cemeteries Of London By coldplay

PRAYING FOR- a friend's dad

Just a quick one...

2008-07-04T17:30:00.001+01:00

So its been a while since my last blog... but thought it was time to update...

It would seem lots and yet nothing has happened in the last month or two...

Uni is over

New job is on the horizon

New home is in progress (ish)

Friendships are changing

All of these stations make me think and re-think what i know and hold dear, uni is finished and it has been 6 years and two degree in the making... but i will take my first steps into the big wide world very soon...

My friendship group is changing... well moving, my uni friends are all being grown up and getting jobs and most take them further away than they were already... but i am sure new people and new adventures will still be cropping up in my life!

Congratulations to my two very good and amazingly fantastic friends Jenny and Ash on the wedding last weekend... it was an honour to do the address and have a fantastic time making people cry by talking about love muah ha ha!... but really it was a lovely day :D May you have the best marriage in the world... until its my turn of course! :P (and then we will be two happy happy couples!)

Right before i get caught up and late for work...

just a few pics to highlight my few weeks...

love to all you readers

LISTENING TO: Wake up Scarlet by Duke Special

Let the stress be gone!

2008-05-12T18:46:00.001+01:00

So the events in my life the past few months has lead to a lot of lost sleep... aches and pains... but finally things have slowed down and i might at last be able to join the world again without having a melt down!

so the dissertation is done... nothing i can do now, but hope it is good enough... at the moment i am boarder line 2:2/2:1 so a good dissertation could be a good leg up, however like normal i dont have the faith within my writing ability and looking back at what i wrote im not even sure what i was trying to say, but thats not really all that objective eh?!

I had an interview at the weekend... at it went well. I am now writing as a person who has a full time Youth Pastors post all ready for her come September! I am so honoured that i am able to stay where i am at the moment.. and even better without the uni work... Things are looking great... now its the home search... but that should be fun... its my first home, so anything bigger than the small room i have now is amazing!

So what have i been thinking about lately... as usual reflection normally engages with media in some form... and lately even more i have been thinking of how much music makes me feel so elated. and how these feelings are the same as when i sing in a church service... i am blessed enough to get to go to youth service which have amazing people who are play guitars and drums well, meaning i can just sing my wee heart out for God...

I went to see the Wombats last back holiday Monday... and loved it, singing along as usual and enjoying (the very sweaty) atmosphere...

it has made me wonder are the feelings the same and are both man made... one from God and one from me.. or both from God?

and i haven't quite come to a conclusion. I know that my faith is not based upon my emotion... or i would be doomed- i am able to hold fast to God no matter what i feel (even if at times its a thread).

Part of worship is to give back something to God who has provided so well for me (at all times)... singing my wee heart out FOR Him. so my motive for a good old sing shouldn't be to find a high when seeking to worship God. and yet i do... its a by-product.

If i go to a gig and ask God to be with me there, cant i meet him in my dancing and singing long there?

I don't see why not...

I guess i just need to be a little careful i don't just seek the emotion to identify God...

LISTENING TO- The DJ's got a Gun by Robots in disguise

Avoidance for just a few moments...

2008-04-17T22:34:00.002+01:00

So while i am deep in dissertation land... which i am loving and hating at the same time, i cant really spend time blogging... but i thought while i look for facts on animals for work tomorrow... when i will be Mrs Noah for the day... :) i would write up what i have been thinking about of late...

While there are a million and one things i have been thinking on... this is just one...

How amazing silence is...

Over the last few weeks i have been changing my location for study daily, this way i cant get distracted by being bored... this is the way my mind works so bear with that one!

And i found myself at the mall in bristol... after an hour and a half study it was lunch time so moved my study to Pizza hut... cheapish food and means i can still shut out most things!

Sat by myself i am able to continue to read, but i as i was eating and reading books they i did not own i stopped and took up a favourite hobby... people watching... the couple next to me faced each other, they were an older couple, i could work out if they were married... but it was clear that they were comfortable with each other... they silence told me.

It wasnt the kind of silence you have then you know someone should be saying something, there were just happy to share the space with each other... nothing amazing happened, no amazing acts of love declaration nor anything leading to a fight, just simple smiles...

Its funny, i only have this with very few people, the closest of my friends are able to sit with me for times when we dont need to say anything... normally i can be scanning my mind for some funny or witty line to say ...

i am learning more and more the value of silence, and look at just how much time i want to fill with noise, some would say it was distraction, but i just think its company...

I have been in two services lately where it has been a time for silence... and it has happened... either the person leading then tramps all over it with praying aloud... or the music kicks back in so fast you havent even had a change to smile towards God let alone hear anything...

My life is crazy at the moment... but i know that silence is something i need to grab a hold of again, that i need to take that time out and just simply be... to just simply listen...

Any yet that date for that to happen gets pushed back... further and further...

Makes we wonder what we choose to avoid and what we really need to do to stop pushing it back...

Maybe we need a new years resolution every month?

LISTENING TO- The ting tings- Local DJ

Why...

2008-03-15T17:36:00.002Z

... is it that when its dark the light hurts?
... is there comfort in the darkness?
... do we have the expression... 'dig yourself out'?

Shut down mode....
again

x

I have learnt something new about me... again

2008-03-07T15:07:00.001Z

So its been a heavy week... Oxford, meetings lectures and writing... all the craziness that is my life at the moment...

But its how i have acted and reacted that i have learnt something new about myself...

I know i tend to paint my world as i see it and then expect it all to be the same.... and i have realised i do this with my friendships... But thats not to say i expect the person to stay the same, or that i want out friendship to remain static. But that how i have that friendship maybe changes and i just wasnt not aware that it was... and so i react and i dont like it.

Being the kind of person i am have i a few people in my life that i lean on and ask of them to help me keep my sanity... its that relation that has made me realise that i dont know how to change with the flow of life when the role is shifted... How to i learn to help the people of my life i lean on?

I dont think any of my relationships are one sided... but i need to learn how to help when my 'help' resources need it? How do i stop getting annoyed at the changes, and just be there? How do i stop the level of expectancy?

How do i make a balance happen?

Where do i find out how to help... when i cant help?!

I need to learn to look out more...

So here is my public apology... to one of of the closest friends of my life, i am sorry i can be a crapo friend... i will try harder lol and i love you!

LISTENING TO- Highness by Envy and other sins

I found this on another blog...

2008-02-29T14:11:00.002Z

At the moment i am reflecting a lot about personhood/humanity/idenity and art... how do we express who we are... and what does God want to show us in these expressions?

It would seem to have something to do with worship...

Art is a reflection of humanity... and it is within that humanity that we find our relationship with God...

It can be as simple or as complex and that...

x

LISTENING TO- Duke Special, Quiet Revolutionaries

Time for something a little lighter...

2008-02-27T15:16:00.003Z

LOVE THIS VIDEO
LOVE NOEL AND JULIAN
LOVE THIS SONG
why have i never seen this before the mighty boosh (s3) dvd?!
a-mazin...

And that is how i would be in a music video too... :P
x
LISTENING TO- Mint Royale- Blue Song

Friendship... how do we 'be' friends?!

2008-02-26T15:49:00.004Z

I have been thinking about friendship lately, and what makes a friend a friend...

I am fast coming to a point in my life where things have a possibility got changing massively, I could be moving to anywhere God wishes... and while this is mega (and I never use that word!) exciting, it also could mean massive changes within my friendships and social groups.

While I know even if I do not move away, the group of friends I have built up from Uni really will be disbursing and life will be different dynamic with them.

But this has lead to reflect a lot of what I think friendship means and how that expectancy impacts my friends and social status.... Facebook has been in the news over the past year as one of the biggest ‘things’ of our lives, with millions and millions of pictures and many many many

people adding ‘friends’. I have wondered what does it mean?

Proverbs 12:25 Worry weighs a person down;

an encouraging word cheers a person up.

I personally love facebook, it allows me to panda to my hate for the phone call and still contact someone to say they are loved. It also pandas to my other rather negative elements of my life, my ego... that I have a whole page within a system all about me... I am allowed to tell everyone what I am doing... where I have been and who I have been with. And while I do that on here too, facebook also means my ‘friends’ have to know this information.

Proverbs 12:26 The godly give good advice to their friends;

the wicked lead them astray.

But our friendships just for the interaction? For the self affirmation of each other? I know that friendships shouldn’t be based upon the simple transaction of you do something for me and I do something for you... at church recently we had the discussion of what it meant to give gifts, and that to give something back straight away is almost to snub the original gift... to give is not to expect something back.

And something I/we need to learn over and over, in a world of new and now... don’t we expect the transaction? With that in mind, we can then be a friend to whomever we meet, without even talking to them. Without adding them to our mental facebook friend’s list, we can be a friend in a gesture.

I have a few friends at the moment who are working a lot out in their heads (aren’t we all really?!) and for them (and me) working out how to ‘be’ a friend is one of those things that seems to keep coming up.

Proverbs 12:27 Lazy people don’t even cook the game they catch,

but the diligent make use of everything they find

But maybe we need to fight against the ‘what can I get out of this mode’ consumerist model and ask ‘what can I do for you’? Is this an easy thing to move to? How do we know what we are doing this? Jesus is our example, and he modelled this all his ministry (and life)... being like Jesus is being a friend to all, even if we get the rough and bum deal out of it... that’s hard... but Jesus didn’t say it was easy.

LISTENING TO- Goldfrapp- Slide in

Proverbs 12:25-27 (New Living Translation)

Does anyone else wonder...?

2008-02-22T16:12:00.001Z

So one of the great or not so great things about my life style and job choice is the fact day time TV can be an option to be watched... normally it all does my head in... but i won't get started on that today!

I just wondered if anyone else wanted to know what kind of gig does this (lovely) 'older' lady do?!

I don't care for poligrip, and I am hoping it for be some few years before i need to think about it. But this ad doesn't want me to pray for my teeth for fall out so i can have faith my new teeth won't fall out either... i want to know WHAT GIG DOES THIS GRANNY DO?!

I am hoping it starts with the grand words... LETS ROCK!

LISETENING TO- Butterflies and hurricanes by Muse

http://www.tellyads.com/show_movie_miss.php?filename=TA5040&advertiser=Poligrip

Things are looking up...!

2008-02-21T15:29:00.001Z

Ok, so things in past week haven't been good... over thinking things does not help me and when I put my sanity into situations and wait for them to unveil themselves it is a dangerous place to play in.

But as i continue to trust that all things happen for the good of God's children, i will continue to keep up how things are working out.

It is strange what we will make ourselves think or do when we want something badly isn't it? Maybe strange is not the best word, because in fact i think it is human nature to want to make things happen to make us happy or fit the social norm, or just want things a certain way.

But is there a way of seeing this happening while you are doing and not just at the 'looking back' point?

My life over the past few weeks has been a series of times were i have thought i have felt things and wanted things, glossing over the facts of my life which did not fit into the 'delusion'.

Can we learn while it is still happening, or is it only when it is over that we can really learn from it?

I learnt this time... as soon as it was over, quite literally the very hour things settled i had the revelation and understood my actions, reactions and understood other peoples motives in my life... but not during.

LISTENING TO- The Wombats- Lost in the Post

Bear with me on this one...

2008-02-18T16:09:00.001Z

So it is Monday afternoon and it is time I start sorting my head/life out...

Recently my posts have been about emotion and reactions to situations... and this one while I am hoping to clean out the corners of my thinking, will still be on the same line!

I have had a rubbish weekend... while I have had chance to see friends, reflect within a church dynamic and to spend time working in a job I love... inside my over thinking head has been working at hyper-drive speed. To the point that I wind myself up so much my heart races and I have a desire to pace...

I know that this is not anyone else's fault, however I do recognise these reactions are normally from an interaction with someone, or some situation.

I am sat here trying to work out quite how I do it, what sets me off and more importantly how do I stop or at least cope better?

Looking at what set me off this time it could be down to my mass ideology setting, or placing an expectancy on others which either was never expressed (so how can I expect anyone else to know what I am thinking and/expect) or not needed (placing people into how I think they should react or act with me... I know I can not dictate how people interact with life... but I wish I could!)

So if the issue is that I keep it in my head until I explore with fear and tears... it makes sense to seek to get it out before I get to that place...

easier said than done... this means I need to be more honest and open, someone has to listen to my ramble (when I know I don't make sense!) and the fact its likely person I really need to talk about it is busy... or unavailable... the person who started these reaction thoughts :S and a reason why I get to the situation I am in now 9and other times)

This morning I cried out in desperation at God, and I know everything begins and ends with God... but at times I just don't understand why things or happen, or worse I know why things are happening and I don't like it.

What do we do when we find ourselves just so angry you want to sulk?!

LISTENING TO- retirement by Kaiser Chiefs

Emotions again...

2008-02-15T15:24:00.001Z

So two posts ago I spoke about how I was concerned how much I am ruled by emotion, and came to the conclusion that God can reveal more of him through our action and reactions.

But I have realised the last week that it isn't just my actions and reactions that concern me about my emotions...

This week I have been tired, dashing about to Cardiff, Oxford and Bristol have taken its toll on me on top of the normal dissertation, module and youth work worries and work load.

The impact of that is upon my relationships, I become ratty and an emotional mess (at time)... I recognise that this happens to the best of us, and we all need to know and learn how to handle things. The stresses of our lives can easily dictate what we are and who we become...

and it is this that annoys me, I don't like who I turn into... but I want to fight against this... but it is bigger than just making sure I smile at the right time (which is a cover/mask, which cant be good) but making sure I don't get to the point that I need to set the mask up in the first place...

The whole Sabbath thinking, of resting the 7th day, taking time out to rest with God. Our lives in this culture mean 'on the go' is taken to the extreme... having a whole day to rest and simply 'be' with God seems like an impossible task...

But I'm not going to make excuses, but highlight that this is something we all should reach for, something we need to make happen, for our relationships with God and the people around us we need to claim the opportunities to find that peace...

LISTENING TO- watching BBC iplayer

very tired... but still thinking

2008-02-14T17:31:00.004Z

Well happy Valentine’s Day to all who happen to read this today...
And I hope that this commercialised day of cards, flowers and chocolate finds something meaningful to you.

At the moment in time I am in a daze... having just had 4 days of busyness... Cardiff, Oxford and Bristol tour of lectures is hard work and somewhat took the shine off what were good lectures... but you can’t have everything eh?! And so today was meant for a day of getting on with my dissertation... however I have managed to er... complete zero of my tasks other than cook potatoes for the group I have this evening. The tiredness set in and so nothing has been possible...

I have a habit of over thinking things or making things far bigger than they really are in reality...
It’s frustrating, I would love to let things go, or not worry about things, but it just doesn’t happen. I leave them with God after super gluing them to my hand... how can I expect God to give me the desires of my heart when I either don’t know what they are or I don’t trust enough to just leave alone and wait?

I am currently trying to up my bible reading; I want to be one of those amazingly blessed people who simply breathe out the word of God... and with God’s help and me reading more I want to make my life to be enriched with his word...

I knew that (somewhere) in the Psalms it is written that God may make our desires done...

Psalm 20:4 May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.
And I found it looking up one of my favourite sites, biblegateway.com... but then I wanted to know what else did the bible say when it came to desire...

Psalm 73:25Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
Job 13:3But I desire to speak to the Almighty and to argue my case with God.
Romans 9:16It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy.
Psalm 40:8I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is within my heart."

These are just for examples from well over 100 hits for desire... and while we can read on face value, I hold dear to the fact we must read in context (both of the writing in which it is placed, and the cultural context it was written).

These last four texts are about seeking God’s will, God’s desire in our lives. And in a way that is part of the core of the Christian faith, seeking and living the way God’s desires for us, not that we are to live boring lives, but to be liberated in the fact we can live in a way we were created and not be trapped by the natures that can weight us down so easily.

In the context then looking back at Psalm 20:4 it is a prayer over someone else, that God will look after the person is it being spoken over, that God will bless them and keep them, protect and strengthen.

The desires of my heart then should be in keeping with God’s will for my life... after all that is the best way for my life. I cannot just simply rest on what I want and think I need and then beg my ‘daddy’ for it till he gives in. I need to learn to how to seek His will and see what he has planned for me and ask that to be my desire.

I write this and it is nothing new to me, in fact it’s flipping hard. Living in this world full of living for the now and new, along with the expectancy of what you want is ‘rightfully’ yours... It is easy to grow to want that more and more.

And that is where I am, I don’t claim to have the answers for me or anyone else, but I do know and right now is the only thing I can hold onto is the fact the Creator God does want what is best for me... and while I have a paddy about not wanting to listen so I can run off to my own desires (although I know it will be damaging to me)... I can still keep the balance for knowing this.

Taken from http://bgmartjournal.blogspot.com/2006/09/art-cards.html

X

LISTENING TO- Falling by TD Lind

Ps...
I need to thank God, while I am not all that happy about it, he is working in other people’s lives to make sure I am blessed and keep on track...

Emotion rules ok?

2008-02-09T15:53:00.000Z

So for my 100th post I thought I would do a big sing and dance about how much I enough blogging and all that... However I have been thinking a lot about some things that have been happening in my life and so in my usual style I have gone for that instead.

Over the past few weeks I have realised I have said the following phrase...

‘I am ruled by my emotions’

I haven’t said this lightly, and I am normally hesitant is saying that statement... which also makes me wonder why. (Am I that scared of being honest and allowing myself to show how I feel when that is being honest with myself)

My life at the moment is stupidly busy, I have far too much happening and no space to put anything down quite yet. Which has meant I am tired and stressed at times and so everything becomes heightened... while I am someone who always wondered people reactions and my own, this becomes magnified 100 fold.

I have a tendency to hold on to everything someone can say and mull it over a little too much, I invent things that might not be there, or just enlarge the small details everyone else seems to just drop.

And while I can handle this most of the time, sit back and think sensibly about it all and usually drop it, what happens when I can’t? How does this affect my relationships? How does this affect my relationship with God?

Does my over thinking and allowing things to run and rule on my emotions help?

So I hit the internet this time...

“Feelings. Imagine living in a world without them. It would be like 'playing a trombone with a stuck slide”

“The Purpose of Feelings Feelings are an emotional barometer. They are an indicator of what is going on in our inner self or mind. For instance, if I lack peace, or feel guilty or anxious, my feelings are telling me that something is out of harmony and needs to be resolved.

Second, warm loving feelings keep us close to and feeling connected to the ones we love the most...and also to God. Emotions also put sparkle into life. People whose emotions are buried are not very dynamic.”

“God's Word says, "Surely you [God] desire truth in the inner parts," or as another translation puts it, "You deserve honesty from the heart; yes, utter sincerity and truthfulness. Oh, give me this wisdom.” (Psalm 51:6)

“It is essential that we cultivate a healthy emotional life so we will both act and feel the way God intended us to do.”

If God is a relationship God, and from my theology and understand He is, Jesus died for us to reunite us with God (our Father)... so if we are to be in relation... then that involves emotion. But God is good, wholesome and true, and so the only emotions from him must be good wholesome and true, it is out of these i/we should act and ‘be’. This isn’t to say we are sinful if we have anger but it’s how we react and act in it that must matter.

And if I am hurt, how do I react? What do my emotions tell me? If I am an ‘emotional’ person then I listening to them is so important... as a human and as a child of God.

Just sometimes it’s not easy to handle that feeling.... when it’s painful.

X

LISETENING TO- (watching) fever pitch

One final word....

"Love. . .is a commitment of one imperfect person to another imperfect person regardless of how we feel"....... really?

Quotes from...
http://www.ncfliving.org/feelings1.php

So its febuary...

2008-02-05T12:24:00.000Z

Yes its the time of year that a day comes and as a nation we all react...

some love it and drive in whole heartedly

some hate it and seem to become bitter

some just dont care

some just hide

Yes i am talking about valentines day... Feb 14th is fast coming upon us and the shops are stocked full of cards, chocolates and flowers along with what is claimed to be romantic in the shape of soft toys with the colour red on.

Now as a self confessed singleton, i will let you in into a secret, each year i wonder if the next valentines day will hold that 'special' someone for me, and each year comes and goes. Im not bitter or angry about this, although i have been in the past! But i have come to realise that like any other day of the year it is what you place on in yourself that matters. It isnt what is in the shops, nor on facebook that makes something loving or caring. Its up to the person to make that act of declaring love (or friendship) that makes its work.

The same with any other fesitval or ritual we hold, Christmas means Christmas to so many different ideals, and each year i seek something new in understanding Christ's birthday. Like wise Christians have communion, a symbolic act to remember Jesus' death and scarifice, well at least it is for me, and thats my point. It is what we do and how we interact what something that makes it matter and how it matters.

(Now i know there are somethings that stand that can not be changed, like the fact Christmas for Christians is about the birth of Jesus, and therefore while we might seek different understandings the fact it is the belief that Jesus was born remains the same)

so back to Valentines day... my point is that no matter how you feel about it, single or coupled up, it is what you make it like any other day of your life, like any other act you take part in.

So i am taking inspiration from my last three love hearts i ate today...

I plan to use this Valentines time to bless my angels, my friends...

Love to you all

LISTENING TO-Where is home- Bloc Party

What an idiot!

2008-01-29T16:17:00.000Z

"ARROGANT love rat ASHLEY COLE allegedly told one of his conquests: “I don’t need to wear a condom because Chelsea give us check-ups.” "

Ok so im not one who will normally take any notice of what the Sun newspaper has to say about the world... but i saw a link at the bottom of a msn convo and i had to read...

It would see that Ashley Cole aged 23 seems it ok to not use a condom while sleeping about...

I am shocked by this frame of mind... from when i was in school i have learnt that if you are sleeping with someone then to reduce the chances of a baby being made... or catching something the condoms are the best way to be safe.

So many people admire and look up to footballers in these generations, and have done for some time, if they are in the limelight more and more shouldnt they be reminded that they have a role model status... and with that they have a responsiblity to ensure what the are promoting is healthy...

in a world where more and more look at 'celebrity' for how to live our lives, when we have teen pregancies and sexual transmitted infection/deises are still at a high. We all have a reponsiblity to help each other...

In a role where I may influence young people, and as a Christian i wish to show God's love in my life... how i live my life is important because it effects all the people around me... youth worker, tesco worker, nurse, binman... we all have a social reasponsiblity to help the people around us... our culture is a mess... we need to help build up and affirm and where nesseary show example.

Ashley Cole like so many others chooses to 'sleep' around (according to the papers) is this a good enough example for himself and us? Let alone the stupidity to not act safely.

rant over...

LISTENING TO- BBC eastenders iplayer

Yet more thinking...

2008-01-25T14:51:00.000Z

So my last blog was ranty... and i am sure not many made it to the end...

and thats fine... i have in fact been thinking of deleting it... but at this moment it stays... for now anways!

So it has been playing on my mind of late, the whole different person with different people... and i am sure if i was to look back over the year of blogs this would have been meantioned long before this week...

On wednesday he guy who took us for our Pastral Theology leacture, highlighted the balance we walk... that in one role- maybe a aprofessional one we have one set of rules and guidelines that dictate how we act and react... and that our personal morals while in our mind at all time can only come out and in practice at the right setting... if they are conflicting i guess...

So this has made me wonder if the two situations... of behaving differently (albeit small outward differents at times) in social groups and how i could act if i was under an organisation that acted differently to how i would and i conformed...

Do i (and all of us) live under social rules dependant of who we are with? If this connected to my faith? Or in fact is it something that we do natureally to be a part of the grouping?

I dont see it a danger... indeed you would lose your job if you didnt comply with a job's ethical standing... but if we find these rules of friendships within a group... can they be changed... and can one person change them or is it a group dyanmic that owns them...

hmmm...

X

LISTENING TO: begin again by space

So its time i put down what i am thinking...

2008-01-22T16:35:00.000Z

I have gotten out of the general process of my random blogging... and so with a little encouragement here i will start again...
I ask all readers to remember this is just my thoughts and unless i name check anyone i am normally responsible for what has been writen... but i would like to also remind you that i am ready to be challenged and my mind to be changed... in fact please do, no one writes something for it to be forgot or not meant for a purpose... i want to speak aloud what i am thinking to then allow anyone else who comes across is to maybe give their point of view... i never wish to think alone... :)

so... what have i been thinking about?
apart from my disseration for uni... which no doubt i will come across at some point on here... many many other things... but for now i will just choose one topic...

I have been thinking a lot about how we engage with one another, how we make choices about out friendship groups and how we act when we are with other people... i have been questioning if i am the 'same' person in different groups of people...

the answer is simple in one way... yes i am... and i guess what i want to highlight is how different people bring out different sides of us... just like someone can rub you up the wrong way... we must have people to make us happy or interact in a different way... does this matter?

I have offten wondered if it does, as a Christian i have always felt i should have some level of similarity of who i am and how i behave with all the people around me. i am a child of God and therefore a witness of his love... and therefore my actions are representing that... but at the same time i am still different in the tiny details... hmmm...

maybe it is the the core of me that matters... my moral and ethical standing shouldnt change... or at least that is a part of my own moral standing that i provide the same standard of action in all situations... maybe this is why i am finding a clash, that in different situations i am unable to provide the same amount of ethical reaction and so i find myself question if i am being genuine?

this is no slur on my friendships groups, all of whom i love... or i wouldnt be within the groups... (its important to me i am honest... so if i wasnt with genuine friends then that would be a lie etc etc)...

the other part of this thought process was how being in a couple... being in a relationship makes us change according to the person we are with... now the reason i think i am reflecting on this out of obervations i have made... having never been in an offical relationship and couple status i am unable to know from personal experience the motives of why people act like they do...

i was thinking on how it seems the trend for couples to go out with other couples exclusivly... its in films, TV and i have many friends who seek to go out with other couples... now while there is an element of singledom wonderings here... its mostly out of not understanding it...

i have had suggestions that couples like to do things together (as in two or more pairs of couples) as then they dont need to worry about the any other feeling uncoupled... suggestions of couples go out and will not feel bad if they only talk to their other half cos then the other couple can talk together without worry... and the suggestion that its good to have the couplehood in common with another couple... so the girls can be girls and guys and be guys together in a 'safe' setting...

these are good ideas... and i certainly do not dismiss them... but i still dont get why the company of one person is not good enough... or at least it seems... maybe this is something i just wont get until the rare day i find myself off the shelf of singleness...

it really does make me ponder just how as human being we interact with each other and the motives... hmmm

i have gone on long enough... sorry to anyone who has made it this far!

x

LISTENING TO: The Unshockable by Maximo Park

One of the best things of the summer in 2007...

2008-01-22T16:32:00.001Z

2007 Hill House Camp Week 2-007...

The week when fruit, veg, and cans werent safe...

Oh the fun!

Help me get something free... and you can too!

2007-12-04T14:05:00.000Z

Simply... click on the link- sign up and complete an offer... total cost £5... and then get some friends to do the same!

then you too can have a great prodoct (such as an ipod touch!!) for a £5!!!

Go on... have a go! :)

http://Gifts.real-incentives.com/7185

Could be one of the best quotes i have ever used...

2007-11-27T22:18:00.000Z

I am currently still writing about how my ministry and spirituality has grown... and i really do not enjoy writing things down... if only i could do a ten min presentation on it... still its almost finished...

but i couldnt continue without sharing this...

“We are the community of the Creator, so we must create. We are the community that looks forward to the city where divine and humanity will live side by side, so we must give birth to en emergent, conjunctive, self-renewing, adaptable Church that can model this inclusivity, generosity, creativity and flexibility, welcoming the Other, providing true space for pain, and real time for carnival.”
From The Complex Christ by Kester Brewin

i have reflected a lot on being Church lately, mainly part of this essay and my journey to working out where God wants me... but i know this much- the Church IS Christ's bride, we are the UNITED body of Jesus.

This quote challenges me to think...
It should challenge us all to think...

How much does church emcompass Christ?
How much of christ do we show?
How much difference to we make?
How much does it show in this our world at the moment?

How much do we look forward to the city where divine and humanity live side by side?

How much do we embody the birth, life, death and ressurection of Christ Jesus?

x

WORK IN PROGRESS!

2007-11-24T13:11:00.000Z

THIS BLOG WILL BE BACK IN FULL FORCE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE...

UNI AND WORK WORK IS COMING FIRST AT THE MOMENT

X

the duke is amazing... even the BBC think so...

2007-10-30T10:07:00.000Z

It would seem that the BBC electric proms was amazing this year... and if i had not been working for whole week i would have tried my very best to have gone to something... but after a very late rambled call last night from the lovely em... it would seem Duke Special was one of the acts to have graced the stage of the round house last week.

Oh how i wish we had been there!
But hey we see him in Dec!

x

ok so i know i am rubbish at keeping this going but...

2007-10-20T15:16:00.000+01:00

i flippin love this tune... have done for a long time... and now someone (just a lil sadder than me) has done this great little video...

A true refection to our sociality... harder better faster stronger...

x

And here is it... the BCYM video

2007-09-14T17:16:00.000+01:00

ENJOY!

x

dukes new song...

2007-09-08T14:34:00.000+01:00

sing along with the no and ahhhhs...

x

unsure...

2007-09-06T17:09:00.000+01:00

i am unsure of what i think about this...
but i know it is powerful and very illistrative...

x

so an update...

2007-08-31T11:19:00.001+01:00

I have decided this is the time i become 100% honest with what is happening in my life. This is for many reasons... it will help me face up to what is around me rather than run around dealing with only things i like, but also maybe help me have more focus and sort out my own head. And of course your prayer, while i understand its wrong of my to think all readers of my blog we Christian (or of another faith is guess) i invite all readers to pray- i know it works and i have every faith that God will answer our prayers, his will be done and all that!

So where do i start?
Faith wise im doing good, i have had time resently to think and pray a lot with God and recognise his work in my life and just how blessed i am in him creating me and giving me the skills he has. I thank God everyday for the life he has given me and i want to continue doing so. My aim for this year is to become better at reading his word- the only way of knowing the word is reading it... so i need to do it!

And now comes the difficult bit of my family, or put better my family illness.
My dad has a brain tummour (cancer) and we are simply waiting for it to take a hold, he has good days and bad days, and i am truly thankful he is still working- it is keep him sane! I love my dad, we have our moments, but i know in my heart life will be very different soon.
My step nan, my mum's step mum is dying, she has cancer which seems to be taking a hold of her body at great speed. I dont know her all that well, but mum tells me how she is doing and knows what she is facing. She has an amazing friend who is looking after her as she gets worse, all praise to God for blessing that friendship.
But these things are taking a hold on my mum. She has MS, which is slowly getting worse and stress of life is taking its hold. over the past week she has had to get a walking stick to help her walk, something i had always hoped that would never be effected. Mum is doing amazingly well, and coping with the stress better than she knows, but it is all taking a massive toll on her.

I am thankful for my friends for they support me in my ways they dont know, at times i wish i was more able to say what is really happening in my head, but i know my silence is part of me!

Lastly, i want to say just how amazing my church is, while i am mostly there to work, the people are my family and so supportive in ALL i do, all thanks to God for how you all bless me!

right i need to do some work :-s

X

LISTENING TO- all because of you by U2

PLEASE HELP ME!

2007-07-27T13:25:00.000+01:00

this is a plee of help needed...

i need moles!!

if you have a soft toy mole that you would like to donate it would make me very happy and create a great chance for a game at Hill House...

I need about 6... so if you have one it is very needed!!

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE can i have it?

i can get it back to you at the end of the week of camp or if you want i will sell it on ebay for charity for you!

I need the moles by the 3rd of Aug... so please please please let me know!! comment/contact me!!!

Thanks

Fi (and the Hill House week 2 team)

God is constant

2007-07-23T13:59:00.000+01:00

God is constant...

In my life there are ups and downs
My friends come and go
We smile and cry
Laugh and frown
I sulk and moan
I giggle and relate

At times I change my mind
At times I stand my ground
I run and hide
I hold my head with pride
I show all my cards
And I keep them close to my chest
I can be alone in a crowd
And social with many on my own...

But one thing that does not change...
God is constant
His love enternal
Ever present

The rock my life is built upon will never crumble
God is constant

A Kinda normal ish blog.. still all about me...

2007-07-19T13:12:00.000+01:00

So where do I start?!

I promised the next blog I did would be worthy of reading... well I will try. Possibly starting with an update of the business of my life and then maybe that will reflect and show me a new meaning we can all share in!

So... June saw one of the busiest times of my life... making for my fieldwork was handed in and two essays which seemed to be nightmares was just the uni side of my life. I love working for my church and there a lot of things happening and changing which means I need to keep my running shoes on to keep up, but it’s great to seem glimpse of what God is doing and where he is taking our community.

June saw me also running about the England to see two very different gigs but equally cool and memories well worth keeping.

MUSE meant Holly and I getting lost on the way to the hotel but seeing one of the best gigs from MUSE ever... and I quote ‘better than Glastonbury’ from Holly which is an amazing statement for her to make!! We had a great time, and has made me think I trip to the capital city every now and again would be a good choice!
The day when I was (starting and) finishing my final essay for the second year of my degree I had a text to say that once again I had won tickets... this time to MIKA in Manchester... the next day! The panic set in of who was I going to take, who could be free and my thoughts turned to the lovely Em... after the realisation we would have to drive all the way to Manchester and then find the ‘secret’ venue I cracked on with that I would like to say was a lovely essay, however I would be lying, I couldn’t stand the flipping essay and wished it to be over- at 4am Wednesday it finally was and by 1030am it was in the post! However this was something I would never advice anyone else to do... because it now meant I had had 3 hours sleep to drive from Bristol, to Cardiff to then Manchester then all the way back... But forget the danger side for just a few moments to understand the amazingness of the gig and how excited we both were (not including the hangover- em and the over tiredness- me) there is one more detail I need to point out... that the dress code for the gig was fancy dress- So Fi fi the fairy and Em the Cat graces the streets of Manchester as we walked about a mile looking for the gig. It gig was great, MIKA is a great stage presents and a wonderfully talented man who can hit the notes every time. It is great to see a normal bloke enjoy himself doing what he clearly loves... marry me MIKA! (He is also very hansom ;)) Oh and yeah... the whole gig was filmed for TV and I was interviewed and then shown on TV- so I am now famous... please form a queue for autographs!

see if you can spot me... i was also on the rest of the show another 2 times! he he

But we made it safely back no issues and now I embark on the summers activities...

This year I will be mostly camping...

Hill House, Soul Survivor, Greenbelt and Cornwall are all on the menu- very busy for someone who is meant to be taking a break!

But all these are great and will (hopefully) give me a chance to spend time with God and seek what we are meant to be doing over the next year and to pray through some of the issues whizzing around my head...

This isn’t the right place to start on my issues... maybe at a later time- But God does bless me with people around me to impart wisdom and love, and I will always be thankful!

But I also have to celebrate... I have PASSED my final essay of my second year... yes even the one I hated so much... in fact that has been one of my best marks!! (I am still in shock!)

Right I need to keep working on campy things!

Love and hugs

X

LISETENING TO- CSS lets make love

After this one i will write a proper blog...

2007-07-07T16:37:00.000+01:00

but for now i need to say...
im on telly!!!
it would seem that after a few guys who were followed with camera and the guy himself MIKA... i am the STAR of the progamme about the gig in Manchester... see it again tonight 1230am (saturday 7th july) on channel 4... very funny and a complete fool... but its all great!

promise i will get to proper bloging asap!

x

LISTENING TO- long way to happy by PINK

wow wow wow wow!!!...

2007-06-26T16:07:00.000+01:00

i have just won tickets to see mika in manchester tomorrow!!!!

(but i have an essay to write before i can dream of going!)

x

wow...

2007-06-21T18:42:00.000+01:00

that is all i can say... WOW... muse were flippin amazing!
look out for the video coming soon...

next question... does anyone like the bravery? (a band from the US)... let me know

x

LISTENING TO... calm down dearest by Jamie T

this one is for holz...

2007-06-11T18:33:00.000+01:00

its that time again that holly and i go on a jouney together...

a journey we took nearly a year ago together

a journey of much happiness and plesure...

a journey to london...

a journey to see a band close to our hearts...

MUSE!! 17th June 2007!!! here we come!

LISTENING TO- one of nowhere by athlete

it will take some styling but...

2007-06-08T00:11:00.000+01:00

i have a new hair cut!!

i promise i will get back to writing a more detailed blog one day... bare with me!

LISTENING TO mika, love today

this is the face off...

2007-06-04T20:09:00.000+01:00

someone who has finished her writen part of her fieldwork!

all she has to do now is sort out the grid and edivdence... easy!!

MWAH!!!

LISTENING TO- the Go! Team, we just wont be defeated!

Good news...

2007-06-02T12:29:00.000+01:00

no my good news isnt that i have finished with the one of the worse parts of my life at the moment... fieldwork...

The good news is HOT FUZZ, one of the best films i have seen in the past year comes on sale june 11th!!

only 9 days to go before my sides hurts from laughing... altho i am sure if i see em before then my sides will hurt before then...

woop woop... but back to work now :(

LISTENING TO mr hudson and the library, cover girl

3 to go....

2007-05-31T20:49:00.000+01:00

i am sooo tired of flipping writing... just let me do the job... this game isnt funny anymore!

LISTENING TO- muse invincable

ok....

2007-05-31T14:22:00.000+01:00

so i finished my directed task yesterday... meaning i only have 5 journals left...

ba ha ha

are you have a laugh, like i really can get them done?!

well i will at least try...

at the moment my staple food has become McVities Caramel digestives.... not good....

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

LISTENING TO- wires by athete

ok honesty time...

2007-05-28T14:47:00.000+01:00

so most of the people who read this will know what fieldwork is...

for those who do not... basically its to show i am able to be a youth worker by writing what seems like a million essays about different youth workery subjects...

so here is where i am honest, which will hopefully mean i will get on with my work... not that i am having a problem, i know what ive got to do, but i would like to celebrate each mini victory....

i have 5 journals left and one Directed Task left to do, and it would be great to finish it by my final fieldtutor meeting... on the 4th june... one week away...

i WILL get it done... but i will update when i get closer to my victory!

i realise i am losing time writing this... but i feel it is important to show my true emosion when i am able... however as a personal rule i try not to swear on my blog... please insert appropreiate words here____________________

x

LISTENING TO- the tyranny of ducks by eddie izzard

wanted...

2007-05-25T15:20:00.001+01:00

one man

taller than me

single

no unhealthy attachements
christian

lover of music

lover of me

good hugger essential

i dont mind being single... honest!

just today its annoying...

LISTENING TO- get over it by OK go

PS em and i will write our turkey adventure when we have finished fieldwork... it might not ever happen... but we can hope!

We are back!....

2007-05-22T12:20:00.000+01:00

WEll em and i had an amazing time away... and we will write our blogs soon... but here are a few of the photos for you to pine over...

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=22398&l=c6dc0&id=502940573

and

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=22553&l=63d4a&id=502940573

x

LISENTING TO- black sabbeth paranoid

I guess its time for a mini rant...

2007-05-08T14:57:00.000+01:00

At times I get so annoyed at being a woman... and being single... I know this is an age old rant.... I have made week in and month out... but I will probably go on about it until something (someone) else happens... then it will be something else...

But for now... you can choice to read this rant... I have the continual battle... of being genuinely happy being single... and then there is the gut killing feeling every now and again that when I see people being happy in couples... I become some jealous monster where it seems my eyes really DO turn green and all I want to do it cry, stomp, shout and then moan... I normally get to the crying stage... cry then feel annoyed at my annoyance and think I should get back to my ‘happiness’ of being me... and so the cycle continues...

Mr Bell in his great new book SEX GOD points out how lust (of anything) become a master (biblically shows it too)... and how we aren’t truly free is we are under the slavery of lust... we have freedom in Christ... as a Christian I know this and believe whole heartily... and that’s amazing!... but what I am realising is that I can still give myself over to other masters all my life... I can try and try to make Jesus my master... my creator knows best... but I still wander away like a child who needs rains but isn’t in them...

I continually ask God to help me and think I know better and ask in order for me to stop wondering off I need to have the thing I wonder off for with me then I wouldn’t wander off anymore... Rob Bell points out we always want something else... that extra thing... if God gave me what I wanted... then I would want more of something else... my problem isn’t solved... I still seek to serve another...

I ask you a question... what makes you wonder off and serve another master? How do we get back on track and not wonder off again and again?

LORD- please help me to keep on track, but more than this, help me to understand and feel 100% secure in my journey with you...

X

LISTENING TO- backyard by Natasha Bedingfield

Trying to work... but had to show you my week...

2007-05-04T11:39:00.000+01:00

Once again another week is nearly over and my productivity levels are that high on the college front... but i have been thinking lots... which does help (some how)... but i have been able to have a good week on the old live music front...

MONDAY- Maximo Park (with Art Brut supporting)

and oh how good the park were... i have been waiting a long long looong time to see them and they did not fail me!

As most people who know me will know there are only a few bands i would happily follow around the world to watch... i wont name them cos you jusy should know... but Maximo Park are now on that list with a HUGE tick and gold star rating!

Art brut were good too... its nice to enjoy the music from the start of the evening! And of course anyone who can make me giggle has to get votes... and Eddie Argos did do that!

And so onto my second dose of live music

WEDNESDAY- Justin Nuzoka (with The Cedar as support)

I know is will be a good gig when the venue is so small even the people at the back are also at the front... and The Croft in Bristol did that well.

So i knew and still dont know much about Justin other than he was born in the USA and is far too young for me to find attactive (18).... But my goodness that boy can sing!! A very tallented guy who deserves to go far, i only own one track of his (free from itunes) but the songs he sang on wednesday shows the depth of language and experience you wonder were it comes from...

I know i am a big wimp when it comes to anything that has a chance of making my cry, but the emotion some of his songs had was powerful (but the tears did manage to stay in my eyes for once!)

The support act were just as good... The Cedar, folk music and clearly tallented... and i now own their CDs.... look out for them!

better go and do some work...

LISTENING TO- Art Brut, fight

hands up if....

2007-05-03T19:44:00.000+01:00

you flippin HATE fieldwork right now?

que- angry/stressed face....

well its been a weekend and a half...

2007-04-24T18:18:00.000+01:00

I gave myself the weekend off last weekend... and oh boy did i have fun...

I meantioned a few posted ago that once again i won tickets to see a band... the band in question was YOURCODENAMEIS:milo...

And after an unusual start... the gig was great... albeit shorter than i would have liked... i cant really complain as it was free! The unusual start was the fact there was hardly anyone there at the start... all of about 10 people watched the first warm up act (who decided the best way to play was with their backs to the audience...!) and then only about 25 watched the second warm up band... but after a surreal moment or 3, YCNI:M came on and sure enough there were a few more and so em and i were able to stand at the front without fear or shame that we were the only ones!

However this was only the start of our weekend adventure... as we then dashed over the bridge to make it out by 11:30 for a lil bit of a d.a.n.c.e.... and the night was good!... while the music wasnt quite as happening or to my taste as i would have liked at times... the company was great... and that is what really matters...

I right now i lift my diet coke to a new friend Andy... who has to be the most excitable guy on a night out i have ever met.... the quote of the night... 'wow its chippy lane, i cant believe its chippy lane, we have to eat chips' quickly followed by 'wow look at all the rubbish... its amazing!'.... Hope london is good to you Andy... and look forward to your next visit!

So my friends, the fun took a brief pause for a sleep to then be followed by an amazing roast dinner between 6 people, and then a walk and a boating outing on Roath Lake, Cardiff... it could have been make or break time as we fort how to row the boat.... but to much funniness... we did good... no sinkage and only a lil wetness...

But back to realilty with a bump... and how i have a very high amount of work i need to do... roll on the 9th of june... when this section of my life will be over and i WILL be a youth worker- i will have my own bit of paper to prove it and everything!

x

LISTENING TO- voyager by daft punk

love it...

2007-04-17T17:00:00.000+01:00

So HMV were kind enough to post me my pre-ordered order... which contained...

MUSE PICTURE DISC!!

their lastest single is one of my favorite tracks from their lastest album... Invincible... and i just could resist buying the picture disc... and i was not disapointed! Just look at how beautiful it is!!

I think i made my point!

x

LISTENING TO- lily allen, knock 'em out

not sure what it means....

2007-04-14T15:35:00.000+01:00

So yesterday saw me buy something i never thought i would buy and i am still not sure why i did buy... other than it had that lovely four letter word... sale writen on it and thus was cheap...

i am now the owner of a webcam...

This is a picture of me trying to be happy about the fact i can sit at my own computer and look at myself without going to the bathroom and looking at the mirror... or indeed, let anyone else see me with no make up whenever they are online and in my msn good books...

I know i am vain, many a time has my dad sung at my 'your so vain' from across a room when he catches me looking in a mirror for the millionth time... but has this taken it a lil far... i can video myself type... work... and bore myself with trying to smile continually while others watch me during a conversation...

But is this a chance to bring more of a reality to my online life... i try to put as many pictures as i can when i blog... but i have made sure they are the nice ones i like... with a webcam i have to allow the watcher to see my double chin (its only there when i tilt my head down honest!) or the fact i havent done my make up today... well i dont have to allow it... but if someone spoke to me right now that its what they would get.

I have huge issues with online life... the fact we can play at making up the best bits of ourselves and trying to cut and paste out the bits we dont like... it has cost me a lot in the past... and yet i am still here... is it my quest to be as real as possible... in the hope others will do the same??

How can we be 100% honest online? I dont know anyone who wants to point out their faults... but life isnt as simple... if the internet is really becoming a part of our lives, should be ask what do we project about oursleves both in real life and online... not only should we ask do these match up... but what are we missing out or avoiding? We can hide things from ourselves in real life... shouldnt the challenge be to make sure we are realistic in ALL areas of life...

Who are we?

LISTENING TO- MUSE, K of C

man i am blessed...

2007-04-10T17:18:00.000+01:00

once again i have been blessed... last year i won tickets to see MUSE in an exclusive gig in london... and today i won tickets to see YOURCODENAMEIS:milo in bristol!!

while this wont be an exclusive gig and wont be on MTV... it is still free and the excitement levels get higher at that factor... but it is on the Thekla in bristol which is a boat... we saw the AMAZING DUKE SPECIAL there a few weeks back and now i get to get on the greta location yet again!! woop woop!!

I am working in Weston this next few weeks... tis good, its a change and a challenge... always good!! :)

love to you all

LISTENING TO- just jack, stars in their eyes